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  • Archive for May, 2009

    Anatomy of a Dead-End Job


    2009 - 05.27

    My job sucks. In fact, I commonly compare it to watching paint dry. To further help you understand the monotony, I’ve decided to outline a typical work week in terms of watching the aforementioned paint dry.

    When you come in to the office in the morning, the paint is new and fresh. At first it’s invigorating, but slowly it becomes a nuisance, and by lunchtime you have a splitting headache.

    When boredom sets in, you place bets with yourself on the runs in the paint to see which drops can reach the floor first. When the drops reach the floor, instead of celebrating victory over yourself, you have to hurry and wipe up the paint to keep it from messing up the carpet. This process is called filing.

    Some days the paint dries slower than others. These days are called Mondays.

    Every now and then a customer will wander in and being unable to read the ‘Wet Paint’ signs they’ll inevitably rub up against the wall. Now, instead of just dealing with the monotony of watching paint dry, you get to listen to an irate customer bitch about how you messed up his Hollister graphic tee. This usually happens around 4:30 when you’re fixing to go home.

    Sometimes after sitting down to enjoy a fulfilling day of watching the paint dry, you notice that it never actually dries. So you stare at it more and more intently, knowing that the harder you concentrate, the faster that moisture will evaporate. Finally, once you’re tickling the outer edges of your sanity, you notice that the paint is High-Gloss and only appears to be wet. Most companies refer to this as a meeting.

    After a few of these High-Gloss Nightmares, the company realizes that the paint is indeed dry and your services are no longer needed. Congratulations, you’re now Funemployed.

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