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    I would do anything for love…

    2009 - 07.29

    “Some days I pray for Silence,
    Some days I pray for Soul,
    Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drugs and Rock ‘N’ Roll.

    Some nights I lose the feeling,
    Some nights I lose control,
    Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls.

    Maybe I’m lonely, And thats all I’m qualified to be,
    There’s just one and only, The one and only promise I can keep.”
    I’d Do Anything For Love – Meatloaf

    So there I was, standing in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart in Lilburn, absolutely smack-dab in the middle of a massive congregation of Tejanos and people who actually give a shit about the Kashmir conflict, when I saw it. The one thing I thought I’d never see. I was buying my groceries there (I finally make enough money now, that I will never do it again, and I can make my principled stand.) There was a Mexican guy, all by himself, in front of me with an over flowing cart of goods. Right there in the part where your demon-spawn is supposed to sit was a box of Massengill Disposable Douches. I was like, “Fuckin, no way!”

    Now, I’ve had a long term girlfriend or two, and I’ve lived with chicks before, and I think I’ve had to buy tampons for people once or twice. It ain’t cool, but it’s doable. It’s nature, and shit happens. No guy likes to do that, but you bitch a good bit, and then you suck it up and buy them. (Never passing up the opportunity to pick up the absolutely wrong kind. Trust me, they won’t send you back.)
    But a box of douches? Come on now. My good friend, Dallas, and I used to have a saying we used when a man had to do something particularly shameful; “He didn’t lose a bet, he just lost.” I think that term applies here. That man is losing at life. Losing bad.

    Now I’ll admit that my knowledge of douche bags is limited to people at East Andrews and whatever South Park has taught me, but Jesus, if a woman sends me to the store for that, I’m out. That, my friends, is a deal breaker. Screw you guys, I’m going home.
    When I saw this unfortunate fellow, for some reason, that Meatloaf song “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…” popped into my head, and it hit me. THAT is what Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love. He will not go buy his woman disposable douches. I, for one, can’t say I blame him. It is indeed a deal breaker…

    Author’s Note:  This occurred a while back and has been posted in a few different areas. It has some relevance in upcoming posts, so I decided to repost it here. I guess you could say it’s one of my “Greatest Hits.”

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    Strengthen your vocabulary with Vocab Lunges by Biloxxxi!

    2009 - 07.28

    People often ask me how I keep my girlish figure in such good shape. It takes more than just eating Hot Pockets, raw oysters, and ice cream cones and drinking obscene amounts of whole milk. Really what it takes is pushups and lunges. Lots and lots of lunges.

    It turns out that vocabulary is also huge part of your overall well being, and unfortunately, reading the dictionary just doesn’t cut in today’s fast-paced world. Not too worry though, Ol’ Biloxi has got you covered with his official Vocab Lunges program. Basically how this works is I give you a word that I use a lot which you may not be familiar with and then I tell you what it means. Then you can know it and own it, just like lunges.

    Beanhead – A beanhead is just a girl. There’s nothing derogatory about it, and I don’t really have any idea where I came up with it, but it works.

    Scoogie – A scoogie is a girl with loose moral fiber. We all know girls like that.

    Tallywhacker – The official term for the penis before PETA decided it was derogatory towards the Slippery Dick Wrasse.

    Bird-dog – Not the actual dog. I use this term in two ways. First, to “hunt” something down. Like, “I’ll go bird-dog that song on the internet.” Second and most commonly, the over-pursuit of a girl. When you bird-dog a girl, you bug the shit out of her constantly, to the point that you probably ruin any chance you ever had with her. It makes you seem overly needy and most beanheads don’t dig that. Just let it roll, Son.

    Scrompin’ – Sex, plain and simple. I like to use this term because it’s a bit more playful and lighthearted than some other alternatives. It implies that a good time was had by all.

    Wallowin’ (Pronounced “Wallerin”) – This is when you’re making out with a person. Sort of like pigs wallowing around in the mud. It includes everything up until the scrompin commences.

    Textbabies – What happens when you swap text messages back and forth with someone. Example: “Who you making textbabies with over there?”

    Janky – When something is built rather poorly, like the deck on a mobile home.

    Funemployed – Those excellent times when you’re unemployed and it doesn’t really matter. Usually the first few weeks after losing your job, before the savings run out and you go on food stamps, or when you have a job lined up but it doesn’t start for a few weeks.

    Kanye – Often used as “Don’t be a Kanye.” When your ego outweighs your ability to produce. Essentially, when you realize that you are “the shit” and start telling people that you are “the shit,” that is the exact moment at which you are no longer “the shit.” Like Kanye.

    Totally Tits – when something is very, very good. Example: “My new car is totally tits.”

    There are probably a few more terms I use commonly, but that’s all I can think of at the moment. I’ll update as necessary.

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    A brief plug for myself

    2009 - 07.22

    I just recently started writing for Examiner.com as the Virginia-Highlands Bar Scene Examiner. It’s a pretty popular party scene in Atlanta, so if this is something that interests you, check it out so I can get paid. I’ll be adding in more reviews and info over time.

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    Saddle up, we’re going gumpfishing.

    2009 - 07.21

    Very seldom am I shocked by the stupidity of people, but every now and then somebody comes along that is so appalingly stupid that you have to wonder if she’s ever even seen an episode of anything other than The Hills.

    A friend of mine, Katie, recently took a trip to California with a friend of hers.  While they were in San Francisco, they decided to eat lunch at this delightful little eatery on the corner. After a quick meal of sandwiches and unsweetened tea (what devilry is this?) they went about their touristy business. The rest of the trip passed without incident, and they returned to God’s Country, Atlanta, GA. (Although God may have just finished watching A Clockwork Orange when he designed our highway system.)

    A week or two later, Katie was looking at her credit card statement and noticed a $2800 charge for a plane ticket from San Francisco to New York. “What the shit!” She exclaimed. “I didn’t fly from San Fran to New York!” She called up her credit card company to dispute the charges, but they needed more info. Enter Katie “The Ball Crusher.”

    She got on the blower and called up Delta and pretended she was the person who took the flight. She asked for a receipt and in short order, she received an e-mail with the receipt for two plane tickets charged to her credit card.

    Dumbass move #1. You can’t (easily) fly under an alias. Katie now had two names and a city she was recently in, where it seemed highly likely her credit card number was stolen. She then fired up the internet machine and after a brief search of Google, she had a couple of addresses.

    Dumbass move #2. If you steal a credit card and fly under your own name, don’t fly out of the same city you live in.  Armed with this knowledge, it was time to visit that bastion of all that is holy. Facebook.

    Bingo. Katie now had names, addresses, and pictures of the perps. Best of all, she recognized one of the girls as the waitress in the corner eatery in San Fran. It was time to visit Johnny Law. After filing the police report and submitting it to the credit card company to get her money back, she thought her job was finished. She was wrong. As she told this story to me, an idea began to develop. A plan full of revenge and intrigue, if you will.

    Imagine you stole a car from someone you didn’t know. When you got into the car you saw a bunch of mail and whatnot and you remembered the name. Now, how freaked out would you be if you started receiving mail from that name and address? Maybe just a post card or something? You’d be shaking in your boots, scared to sleep at night. This was my plan for these girls.

    I told Katie she should add them as friends on Facebook. They already knew her name from her credit card, and we assumed that they had to Google her name to get a billing address for the plane tickets. They’d recognize her name. She added them, but as of this writing, she hadn’t heard back. They may stupid enough to add her, in which case, every picture gets tagged as “I paid for that.” Hopefully we’ll get to have a bit of fun with them before the law comes knockin’ on their door.

    I considered posting their identities on here and we could all go gumpfishing, but I suppose there’s still a chance that they didn’t do it. In that case I’d hate to be on the downside of a libel lawsuit.

    Edit: You know what? Screw it. Here you go, America. Do whatever you deem necessary. Monique Reyes and Shawnette Etheridge. See you in Hell, my friends…

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    Grammar? I Don’t Even Know Her.

    2009 - 07.20

    “When I split an infinitive, Goddamn it, I split it so it stays split.”
    -Raymond Chandler

    Well said, Mr. Chandler, but I’ve got no idea what a split infinitive is, and neither does most of my audience.  That being said, good grammar is like good food, a hot pocket might get the job done, but it’s sure not a t-bone. Through the popularity of text-messaging and the goat-screw that is Twitter, our grammatical prowess as a society has sunk like a lead balloon. Here are a few of the things that bug me the most…

    Text-message speak outside of text-messages – Quick, how much longer does it take to type out “your” than” ur” on your computer keyboard? Not long at all. Let’s not even get into the confusion that arises from using “ur.” Actually, let’s get into it. Are you referring to the word “your?” Like “your cat?” Or are you referring to “you’re?” Like “You’re cat?” In which case I respond with, “Your face is a cat. Hoe.” The bottomline is this, text-messages are limited to 160 characters, most other things are not. Use your words, big guy, don’t make me pull out the Enigma Machine to understand your Facebook post.

    Spelling – This bugs me to no end. I was the 1996 DeKalb County Spelling Bee Champion, spelling is yet another forte in my repertoire. But even still, it amazes me how little care people put into correct spelling. Almost everything has spell check now, Mozilla, Google, whatever. That’s what that red line is under the words. (There are currently none in my article.) Another thing that pisses me off is when the spelling of words is changed in an attempt to “modernize” them. A quick story: A few weeks ago some friends and I were riding down the Connector and passed Atlantic Station. There was a sign up for an exhibition called “Dialog in the Dark.” Something just didn’t look right to me about that. We rode a few miles further and I randomly shouted out, “They spelled dialog wrong! It’s D-I-A-L-O-G-U-E, not D-I-A-L-O-G!” I was then informed that that is the new spelling by my teacher friends. “Bullshit!” I said. “I didn’t risk life and limb to win that DeKalb County Spelling Bee just so they could change the spelling of words because they’re too ignorant to learn the correct spelling!” My argument fell on deaf ears.

    9/10 of the population wont get this

    9/10 of the population won't get this

    Proper usage of “a” vs. “an” – This should be easy. There’s a rule for when to use “a” and when to use “an.”  Use “a” when the first letter of the following word is consonant, use “an” when the first letter of the following word is a vowel. It’s one of those things that you can let slide in an e-mail or some informal writing, but whenever I see it in a sign or perhaps a hat, I’m amazed that it made it through quality control. Seriously, somebody at the factory must know how to speak English, right?

    Use of the word “Irregardless” – Irregardless is not a word. If you use this word, you are an idiot. The credit manager at my work used this while giving me a lecture, and it completely negated his entire argument. I quit listening to him while I considered ways to break it to him that his point was invalid. In the end his status as manager won out, but I still quit listening. I’m like a barracuda, something shiny caught my eye.

    Use of the word “is” in Facebook Status Updates – A couple of years ago when Facebook first introduced status updates, “is” automatically followed your name, so you had to use it, as in “Biloxi is awesome.” After a bit of complaining, they made the “is” optional. It took awhile for people to figure that out, so you got some really odd sounding status updates, like “Jane is believing in miracles,” rather than “Jane believes in miracles.” Recently, Facebook went with the Twitter style status updates where you could write whatever you wanted, but for some stupid reason, people still use “is” like the old days. Why go out of your way to be stupid? It’s like getting busted for meth use during a random drug test, filing a lawsuit and winning, and then getting busted for meth use again during a subsequent random test. You stole one from the devil, don’t try it again.

    I’m sure there are other things that bug me, but I’m in a fairly good mood today, so that’ll about do it. Anything I missed?

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