“Some days I pray for Silence,
Some days I pray for Soul,
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drugs and Rock ‘N’ Roll.
Some nights I lose the feeling,
Some nights I lose control,
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls.
Maybe I’m lonely, And thats all I’m qualified to be,
There’s just one and only, The one and only promise I can keep.”
I’d Do Anything For Love – Meatloaf
So there I was, standing in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart in Lilburn, absolutely smack-dab in the middle of a massive congregation of Tejanos and people who actually give a shit about the Kashmir conflict, when I saw it. The one thing I thought I’d never see. I was buying my groceries there (I finally make enough money now, that I will never do it again, and I can make my principled stand.) There was a Mexican guy, all by himself, in front of me with an over flowing cart of goods. Right there in the part where your demon-spawn is supposed to sit was a box of Massengill Disposable Douches. I was like, “Fuckin, no way!”
Now, I’ve had a long term girlfriend or two, and I’ve lived with chicks before, and I think I’ve had to buy tampons for people once or twice. It ain’t cool, but it’s doable. It’s nature, and shit happens. No guy likes to do that, but you bitch a good bit, and then you suck it up and buy them. (Never passing up the opportunity to pick up the absolutely wrong kind. Trust me, they won’t send you back.)
But a box of douches? Come on now. My good friend, Dallas, and I used to have a saying we used when a man had to do something particularly shameful; “He didn’t lose a bet, he just lost.” I think that term applies here. That man is losing at life. Losing bad.
Now I’ll admit that my knowledge of douche bags is limited to people at East Andrews and whatever South Park has taught me, but Jesus, if a woman sends me to the store for that, I’m out. That, my friends, is a deal breaker. Screw you guys, I’m going home.
When I saw this unfortunate fellow, for some reason, that Meatloaf song “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…” popped into my head, and it hit me. THAT is what Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love. He will not go buy his woman disposable douches. I, for one, can’t say I blame him. It is indeed a deal breaker…
Author’s Note: This occurred a while back and has been posted in a few different areas. It has some relevance in upcoming posts, so I decided to repost it here. I guess you could say it’s one of my “Greatest Hits.”