• About Biloxi Von Lutz
  • Archives
  • Categories
  • Archive for August, 2009

    El Chup vs. B.O.B.

    2009 - 08.31

    I was driving home from work the other day and as I was getting off the freeway in my truck, El Chup, a woman in a Mercedes cut me off. El Chup is a 1982 GMC 3/4 pickup truck. It’s a behemoth and it’s a bit difficult to get that thing whoaed up quickly. I didn’t panic, I’ve been driving sketchy-ass vehicles for years, this ain’t my first rodeo. I’m pretty sure I came out of the womb driving a Trans-am with aviators on and Freebird blasting from the 8-track. I locked the tires down and proceeded to scare the ever-loving shit out of everyone around me. The back end started kicking out and just as I was about to lose it, I let off the brakes, whipped the back end into shape and came gently to a stop in the lane next to the woman in the Mercedes.

    I looked over at her and grinned. I’ve never really believed in giving people the middle finger. It’s so cliche now. I find it far more effective to mess with them psychologically. Nobody ever expects you to smile when they cut you off in traffic. It’s like that scene in Gran Torino where Clint Eastwood gets out of the car and says to the thugs, “Have you ever run across somebody you just shouldn’t have fucked with?” Give them that kind of smile. It works best with sunglasses on because your eyes betray your emotions. When you flash people that ‘I know something you don’t know’ smile, it worries them. You’re unpredictable in a situation where they expect a particular emotion.

    So anyway, back to the story. I grinned at this woman and she glanced over at me and immediately looked straight ahead for the remainder of the light. “No harm, no foul,” I thought so, I let it go and we went through the light. A couple of traffic lights later, she wound up in front of me again and I noticed that she had a “baby on board” decal in her window.baby

    This perturbed me. Not because I almost hit a woman with a baby in the backseat, because she sure didn’t have one “on board” currently, and even if I had hit her with El Chup it wouldn’t have been very hard anyway. Besides, babies are good for two or three drops before it scrambles their brains anyway. No, this bugged me because I couldn’t figure out why the hell she had it on there anyway. Is it supposed to make a person drive better because you have a child in the car? What if, by demonstrating your poor driving skills, you have convinced that person that you are unfit to procreate and purposely wreck you? Or is it perhaps a license for you to drive however you wish and people should watch out for you because you are a birthgiver? That’s ridiculous You’re not supposed to try to wreck people anyway. It’s a horrible nuissance. That’s like me running around the bar acting like a douche, with the only layer of protection from a severe ball kicking being a t-shirt that says “Damagable Balls on Board.” It just don’t jive, ya heard?

    I don’t know. My mind wanders and perhaps I think of the implications of small things a hell of a lot more than most people. Fortunately, these stupid signs aren’t nearly as prevalent as they once were. I think it’s mostly just some stupid 80’s thing like “don’t worry be happy” where somebody stumbled into the room where a million retarded monkeys were trying to write Shakespeare on a million typewriters with 12 letter alphabets.

    del.icio.us Digg Facebook Google Google Reader Magnolia SlashDot StumbleUpon Technorati Plugin by Dichev.com

    Well, it’s better than Yentl

    2009 - 08.31

    Youtube is awesome. I don’t think anyone can deny it. If you don’t like youtube, your wife will have hooves and your firstborn child will grow up regarding Yentl as the best movie of all time. I really enjoy watching music videos on youtube. You can really get lost discovering new music on there. Another great feature is people uploading videos of their design set to the music of a particular band. Some of the videos are actually pretty good, but most are just a lesson in failure. Here are some of my favorites…

    Billy Ocean – Get Out of my Dreams
    This is such a classic song. It kinda gets overshadowed by some of the other hits of the 80’s, but everyone knows this song. Plus, Billy Ocean looks like Patrick Ewing.

    I love it when people take a song and put their own little pictures over it that they think relate to the song. This video was obviously for internal use only, to be share for friends and such, but uh oh, it’s been viewed over 27,000 times. I’ve never seen such a gaggle of lookers in all my life as in this video…

    Dead or Alive – You Spin Me Round
    Ok, here’s where it gets weird. You’ve heard this song. It was used in some bullshit hip-hop/dance nonsense earlier this year. You’ve probably seen the original video. This is a re-make of the orignal version done by the same band. What you may not know is that the lead singer went full tranny.  You know now… Sorry…

    Meatloaf – Paradise by the Dashboard Light
    You didn’t think I’d let you get out of here without some Meatloaf, did ya?
    This is one of those User-created videos that’s actually pretty good. This inspired me to make my own. Stay tuned for that. BTW, I’m pretty sure the “chick” in this video is a man.

    del.icio.us Digg Facebook Google Google Reader Magnolia SlashDot StumbleUpon Technorati Plugin by Dichev.com

    A couple of new members of the family…

    2009 - 08.27

    The Biloxi Enterprises family is growing! We’ve got 2 new blogs here at Biloxxxi.com…

    Skizzo’s Fortune Cookie

    Skizzo is quite possibly one of the most insightful individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I think she’s got a bright future ahead of her here at biloxxxi.com

    Ask Nan

    This is an advice column written by Nan (obviously). Instead of that “Dear Abby” BS, this is based more on what she thinks it would be cool to do. Highly entertaining and I know her advice has saved me from a night in jail at least twice.

    Also, I’m doing a new thing here. I’m providing customized blog hosting for a select few people. It’s a fairly lucrative proposition, especially if you don’t really have the technical inclination to set up and manage a blog, but would still like to write one. There’s potential for ad revenues and some other special features you won’t find elsewhere. If this is something you might be interested in, please contact me at biloxxxi@gmail.com with the subject line: Biloxxxi.com Blog

    del.icio.us Digg Facebook Google Google Reader Magnolia SlashDot StumbleUpon Technorati Plugin by Dichev.com

    The chronicles of the used tire: A lesson in prioritizing

    2009 - 08.25

    So there you are at Champ Sports, looking to get some new shoes for the summer. These aren’t your typical flip-flops. Naw, these are your kicks, man. You’ve gotta have the latest Nikes or Adidas, whichever fits your style the best.But theres a problem. You’ve only got $60 in your wallet. Definitely not enough to pick up the new Lebron James jump-higher-run-faster b-ball shoes. So you wander on over to the clearance section, hoping they’ve got some cool leftovers from last year, but alas, it’s not to be. Just then a big guy in a trench coat and those sweet zebra striped pants from the 80’s walks up, and recognizing your predicament, tells you about this place down by the Snatch ‘N Grab called Zapatos Latino where they sell last year’s kicks, certified pre-owned. After grazing through the shoe aisle one more time, you decide to hit up this joint down the street. 20 minutes and $20 later, you’re out with a sweet pair of previously owned Nibs (New Balance) with some heel wear and minimal odor.

    Fast forward a couple of hours: You’re gettin ready to head out on the town with your beanhead when all of sudden you kinda stub your foot on the concrete. “Oh Shit!” you exclaim. The whole heel of your shoe has separated from the sole. You blew out your kicks! Back inside you wander, to slide back into those skanky looking shoes you’ve been wearing for the last 3 years. Now you know why you’re dating that whore. You’re ass was too cheap to buy some new damn shoes. You settled, Man, and they saw you coming a mile away.

    The point of this fable was to make you realize how ridiculous the idea of used shoes sounds. Nobody buys used shoes. Unless you’re really hard up and in which case, you should not have the internet to look at this. You can go to Wal-Mart and buy shoes for $20 bucks. (Hell, that’s where my work shoes came from and they’ve lasted through 6 months of hard abuse.) If you don’t buy used shoes, why the hell would you buy used tires? You’re car is infinitely more important to your safety than a pair of shoes, not to mention the safety of those around you. Think about this the next time you’re traveling down the freeway: See that car next to you going 80 MPH? Now, imagine that tire has the steel belts showing in it. Then imagine that tire coming apart and that car swerving into you. I see those tires everyday. That shit happens and people just come back and buy another one. There are occasions where used tires are acceptable, but it ain’t now. We’re talking about career used tire shoppers here.

    Below is the weekly budget of a used tire customer that we found in the parking lot at the tire store. I’ve written in the left margin to make it a bit clearer what some of the things listed are. At least rent is at the top. Oh and one other thing, if you have to budget for weed, you probably don’t need to be smoking it. That’s kind of when it becomes part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I like how the liquor allowance is twice the tire allowance. That, my friends, is why only new tire customers should be allowed to vote. Priorities.

    A slightly better budget than the current U.S. one

    A slightly better budget than the current U.S. one

    del.icio.us Digg Facebook Google Google Reader Magnolia SlashDot StumbleUpon Technorati Plugin by Dichev.com

    Either urine or you’re out

    2009 - 08.24

    Friday nights are always interesting times for me. Friday night is party night for most of my friends, but I work for a few hours at my Dad’s shop every Saturday morning, so I have to get up early. I refuse to let work get in the way of my good time, so I walk a fine line between sobriety and intoxication on Friday nights so I’m not hungover for work. Inexplicably, this is also the night when the weirdest stuff happens…

    My roommate, Mooney, is heading to Boston the end of this week to start dental school (which can’t come soon enough, because I have a set of tremendously British teeth). We threw a little going away party for him at the Narnia Harem Friday night, which was pretty fun. I saw some old friends from high school, that’s always nice, but as far as the evening is concerned, nothing too spectacular.

    I left the bar at about 1:30 and was in bed by 2 am. A couple of my friends who were staying at the house were still out so I left the door open for them. 8 am came really early, but fortunately, I only had a slight headache. As I climbed down out of my loft, I took a peek into the living room to see who spent the night. On the big sofa was Justin, Mooney’s brother and on the smaller sofa was another friend who shall remain nameless due to pending litigation (we’ll call him Unmentionable for the sake of this story). I wandered into the other room to get dressed and then I brushed my teeth and all that. As I came out, I heard some rustling in the living room so I looked around the corner and much to my chagrin I see my nameless friend standing, with his tallywhacker in hand, about 6 inches from Justin’s head, pissing all over my living room floor.

    “Dude! WTF!?!? Don’t piss on Justin!” I yelled. I don’t know if he was asleep or what, but when I yelled, Unmentionable jumped like he was startled and cut it off, mid-stream. He turned around towards me with a look of utter bewilderment in his eyes, and I was pretty sure he was sleep-peeing. I threw him an old towel and told him to clean that shit up. As I finished getting ready for work, unmentionable stumbled to the back of the house carrying some empty beer bottles that were on the coffee table by the sofas. He had the urine soaked towel draped over his shoulder. I also noticed that he was walking around in his boxer briefs, the whole front soaked in urine. “Damn, I’m glad I’m going to work now.” I thought to myself.

    I took one more look to make sure he cleaned up the piss before I left and noticed that he had peed all over his shorts from the previous evening. I’m sure he enjoyed that when he woke up. Justin remained completely oblivious to the fact that he probably got a little piss backsplash on his face, and I for one sure wasn’t gonna tell him later. “It could be worse”, I thought. “It could be my problem.”

    I left for work and a few hours later sent Unmentionable a text message to let him know what he’d done. The following conversation took place:

    Me: Dude, you still alive?

    Unmentionable: yup

    Me:  You almost pissed all over Justin’s head this morning.

    Unmentionable: What?

    Me: I woke up this morning and you were standing by Justin’s head pissing on the floor.

    Unmentionable: Where?

    Me: In my living room. It was pretty f’n funny except for the fact that you were pissing on my floor

    Unmentionable: I don’t believe you

    Me: How do you not believe me? Did you not notice that your shorts were soaked when you got up?

    Unmentionable: No I didn’t. Are you trying to get me back for that time I said you cried at the bar.

    Me: No, I didn’t actually cry in the bar. You actually did piss in my living room.

    Unmentionable: I don’t believe you

    Me: I have a towel that smells like your brand of piss.

    Unmentionable: I’m sorry

    Me (later in the day after I made a bone-chilling discovery): BTW, why was the piss-towel by my bed in the loft? Did you go up there covered in urine?

    Unmentionable: (no response)

    I’ve got hardwood floors so cleaning up wasn’t really a big deal. The floor needed mopping anyway. As far as I can tell, no urine ever made it to my bed. I don’t think he was coordinated enough at the time to shimmy up the ladder. Let’s all hope I was that lucky…

    del.icio.us Digg Facebook Google Google Reader Magnolia SlashDot StumbleUpon Technorati Plugin by Dichev.com