Biloxxxi's Woodshed

Friday nights are always interesting times for me. Friday night is party night for most of my friends, but I work for a few hours at my Dad’s shop every Saturday morning, so I have to get up early. I refuse to let work get in the way of my good time, so I walk a fine line between sobriety and intoxication on Friday nights so I’m not hungover for work. Inexplicably, this is also the night when the weirdest stuff happens…

My roommate, Mooney, is heading to Boston the end of this week to start dental school (which can’t come soon enough, because I have a set of tremendously British teeth). We threw a little going away party for him at the Narnia Harem Friday night, which was pretty fun. I saw some old friends from high school, that’s always nice, but as far as the evening is concerned, nothing too spectacular.

I left the bar at about 1:30 and was in bed by 2 am. A couple of my friends who were staying at the house were still out so I left the door open for them. 8 am came really early, but fortunately, I only had a slight headache. As I climbed down out of my loft, I took a peek into the living room to see who spent the night. On the big sofa was Justin, Mooney’s brother and on the smaller sofa was another friend who shall remain nameless due to pending litigation (we’ll call him Unmentionable for the sake of this story). I wandered into the other room to get dressed and then I brushed my teeth and all that. As I came out, I heard some rustling in the living room so I looked around the corner and much to my chagrin I see my nameless friend standing, with his tallywhacker in hand, about 6 inches from Justin’s head, pissing all over my living room floor.

“Dude! WTF!?!? Don’t piss on Justin!” I yelled. I don’t know if he was asleep or what, but when I yelled, Unmentionable jumped like he was startled and cut it off, mid-stream. He turned around towards me with a look of utter bewilderment in his eyes, and I was pretty sure he was sleep-peeing. I threw him an old towel and told him to clean that shit up. As I finished getting ready for work, unmentionable stumbled to the back of the house carrying some empty beer bottles that were on the coffee table by the sofas. He had the urine soaked towel draped over his shoulder. I also noticed that he was walking around in his boxer briefs, the whole front soaked in urine. “Damn, I’m glad I’m going to work now.” I thought to myself.

I took one more look to make sure he cleaned up the piss before I left and noticed that he had peed all over his shorts from the previous evening. I’m sure he enjoyed that when he woke up. Justin remained completely oblivious to the fact that he probably got a little piss backsplash on his face, and I for one sure wasn’t gonna tell him later. “It could be worse”, I thought. “It could be my problem.”

I left for work and a few hours later sent Unmentionable a text message to let him know what he’d done. The following conversation took place:

Me: Dude, you still alive?

Unmentionable: yup

Me:  You almost pissed all over Justin’s head this morning.

Unmentionable: What?

Me: I woke up this morning and you were standing by Justin’s head pissing on the floor.

Unmentionable: Where?

Me: In my living room. It was pretty f’n funny except for the fact that you were pissing on my floor

Unmentionable: I don’t believe you

Me: How do you not believe me? Did you not notice that your shorts were soaked when you got up?

Unmentionable: No I didn’t. Are you trying to get me back for that time I said you cried at the bar.

Me: No, I didn’t actually cry in the bar. You actually did piss in my living room.

Unmentionable: I don’t believe you

Me: I have a towel that smells like your brand of piss.

Unmentionable: I’m sorry

Me (later in the day after I made a bone-chilling discovery): BTW, why was the piss-towel by my bed in the loft? Did you go up there covered in urine?

Unmentionable: (no response)

I’ve got hardwood floors so cleaning up wasn’t really a big deal. The floor needed mopping anyway. As far as I can tell, no urine ever made it to my bed. I don’t think he was coordinated enough at the time to shimmy up the ladder. Let’s all hope I was that lucky…

This entry was posted on Monday, August 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm and is filed under The Adventures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.