It’s no secret that women hold all the cards. That’s bad enough. What’s worse is that the deck they’re playing with is rigged as well. That Ace of Spades she just laid on you? It’s really the Deuce of Clubs. She just polished that turd up all pretty like and sold it to you on a payment plan. They’ve been doing it to you for years with push-up bras that build mountains where there were once plains, and those glorious jeans that lift and seperate. They can even fool you into thinking their hair is voluminous by criss-crossing the part. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the falsehood that are Spanx*.
Did you ever see the Douche vs. Turd episode of South Park where the guy from PETA and the duck mated and they had a some sort of bastard human-duck baby that said “kill me” all the time? That’s essentially what Spanx are, except the PETA guy is spandex and the duck is a corsett. These things scare the piss out of me. They are wrong on so many levels.
Level 1: I’m a firm believer in the theory that you should never wear anything you don’t want to wind up on the floor later in the night. I cannot imagine a scenario where peeling someone out of a body sock would be the slightest bit arousing. Bras are tough enough to figure out, I don’t think I could navigate the sort of challenge Spanks bring to the table.
Level 2: It’s false advertising. When you wear a “body-shaping” garment, you’re essentially advertising yourself as something you aren’t. One could say the same thing about push-up bras and designer jeans, but those are relatively minor offenses. Spanx make a huge freaking difference. I’ve seen the infomercials, slapping on some spanx is like a gastric bypass for the evening. I can’t do anything about the fact that I’m skinny. I can’t put on a fat suit and suddenly act like I’m Billy Ocean. I have to make up for my shortcomings the old-fashioned way, with personality and whiskey.
Level 3: Evidently, having a lycra exo-skeleton just isn’t enough. Women had to go and make these things OUTERWEAR. I can see wearing the little biking shorts when you’re biking or a track speed suit when you’re tracking. Hell, I used to wrestle in high school. I wore one of those singlets, but know this, I never once wore that thing outside of a wrestling scenario. I see women wearing these things in the grocery stores all the time. Anna even wore them to freakin Ru San’s last night for sushi. She said she had been jogging, but I think she just couldn’t find her belt.
Final thoughts: Don’t get all hot and bothered about trying to run with the hottest girl in the bar (or wherever). Hot is an overall package, not just a pretty face. Find something that you think you look good in and go with it. A pretty smile and a good personality always wins out in the long run. Oh, and if you’re not engaged in physical activity, put on some f’n gym shorts. For the love of God, is that what you wanna be wearing when Jesus comes to call his children home?
* A lot of my disdain for spandex clothing, or Spandi-wear as I like to call it, may stem from the fact that I once attempted to jump out of my clubhouse and the sweet spandex shorts I was wearing snagged on a nail and I flipped off the side and broke my arm. Normal cotton shorts would have just torn, but spandex stretched and ruined my football career at the tender age of 5.
