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    Who’s the better boxer, Mike Tyson or Rocky Balboa?

    2009 - 09.29

    Sometimes there are questions that just need answering. Who’s the better cowboy, Clint Eastwood or John Wayne? What’s the best videogame franchise of all time, Zelda or Mario? Why does the small-block Chevy kick so much ass? There’s one question though, one question above all others, that just begs to be answered. Who is the greatest boxer of our generation, Mike Tyson or Rocky Balboa?

    Making sure American children have a future...

    Making sure American children have a future...

    If you are a child of the late 70’s or early 80’s like I am, then you can remember when these guys were in their prime, battling Russians and Olympic Gold Medalists. Mike Tyson was vicious in his beatdowns and Rocky just refused to give up, preferring to wear down his opponents punches with his face. Mike Tyson has become a bit of a train wreck in his later years, but that’s about par for the course when brain damage is your modus operandi. I won’t judge him for that. Our criteria will be based on four things; Overall Record, Notable Matches, Famous Quotes, and Video Games.

    Overall Record
    Rocky Balboa – Before his 2005 comeback fight against Mason “The Line” Dixon, Rocky Balboa’s professional record was 57 wins 23 losses and 1 draw.

    Mike Tyson – Even considering all the crap fights Tyson has had over the last couple of years, Tyson’s professional record is 50 wins 6 losses 0 draws and 2 no contests

    Winner – Mike Tyson by a landslide. Rocky is a good bit older than Tyson, so we can attribute the extra matches to that. We should pause to point out that back in Rocky’s earlier days, boxers fought more often and matches were scheduled for 15 rounds rather than today’s 12. So, Rocky gets some extra badass points for that.

    Score: 10-9 for Tyson

    Notable Fights
    Rocky Balboa – Uh, where do you even start? The two matches with Apollo Creed were freakin epic. The rematch with Clubber Lang is the single greatest testosterone fueled beatdown ever witnessed. And then he effectively ended the Cold War with his fight against Ivan Drago. Then, in a stunning act of humility gave credit to Ronald Reagan. The best thing you could do at this juncture in your life is watch this…

    Mike Tyson – Tyson had several notable fights. The one with Trevor Berbick where he won his first title was pretty legendary. That one where he beat every bit of vertical out of Michael Spinks was awesome. I remember watching that as a kid on Pay-Per-View with my dad. Bask in this bit of glory…

    Winner – Although Tyson had some legendary matches, you’ve gotta give this one to Rocky just because he saved the world from tyranny by the Ruskies. Bonus points to Tyson for giving the world an endless supply of jokes by attempting to bite Evander Holyfield’s ear off, not once but twice.

    Score: 10-8 for Rocky

    Memorable Quotes
    Rocky Balboa

    Rocky: Do you like having a good time? Then you need a good watch!

    Rocky: Condominiums? I never use the things…

    Employment Manager: Can I be honest? No one’s going to offer you an office job. There’s too much competition. Why don’t you fight? I read somewhere you’re a very good fighter.
    Rocky Balboa: Yeah, well. Was ya ever punched in the face 500 times a night? It stings after a while, ya know.

    Face meet freight train

    Face meet freight train

    Mike Tyson

    Tyson: He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse…

    Tyson: Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!

    Tyson: You’re sweet. I’m going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I’m gonna make you my girlfriend. (Talking about Razor Ruddock)

    Winner- Pretty obviously Tyson on this one. The guy is so off kilter, you can’t help but be entertained by any word he speaks. It’s like a 3 legged goat. It just never gets old.

    Score: 10-8 Tyson

    Video Games
    Is there any question who is gonna win this one? Mike Tyson had his name on what is quite possibly the most entertaining (and pants-shittingly difficult) boxing game of all, Mike Tyson’s Punch-out. To this very day, the soundtrack to my nightmares is provided by Mr. Sandman’s laugh. It pierces the soul with it’s 8-bit melancholy. On a semi-sour note, his name and likeness was unceremoniously removed from the game when he decided to rape a woman. That’s typically frowned upon.

    Sleep well, Mr. Biloxi...

    Sleep well, Mr. Biloxi...

    Though few people are probably aware of it, Rocky did have a couple of pretty decent games with his name on it. Most recently the 2002 game Rocky. I had it for the Gamecube and I loved it, but it pales in comparison to the hours of fun I’ve had with Punch-out over the years.

    Winner: Mike Tyson by a landslide

    Score: 10-8 Tyson

    Hmmm. It would appear that Mike Tyson is kicking Rocky’s ass, so in the spirit of close competition, I propose one additional category; Sideshow Matches.

    Rocky Balboa – After Rocky beat Apollo in their second match to earn the World Title, he fought Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan) in a wrestler vs. boxer exhibition match. It turned into a free for all with Rocky getting thrown into the stands. Rocky couldn’t be deterred by that and broke a chair over Thunderlips’ head and threw him into the audience. Kinda makes you long for Wrestlemania III doesn’t it?

    Mike Tyson – As mentioned above, Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ear off, not once, but twice. I always wondered how Evander resisted the urge to crush Tyson’s face after that. He had already beat him once. I guess Evander’s Christian sensibilities got the better of him.

    Score: 10-9 Rocky

    Final Tally: Rocky – 47 Mike Tyson – 48
    So, according to my astoundingly impartial judging, Mike Tyson is the best boxer of our generation. I’ll be honest, I was pulling for Rocky, because America loves the underdog, but unfortunately, this is America and the thug usually gets an undue amount of credit. What can you do? Wait for Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge…

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    Alec Baldwin’s Gargantuan Cranium

    2009 - 09.22

    Alec Baldwin is a damn fine actor. He does drama just as well as he does comedy. He’s a celebrity, and thusly should keep his mouth shut regarding all things political, but other than that, he seems like a decent fellow. He yelled at his kid that one time, that was kind of a douchebag move, but whatever. The thing that bothers me most is the overwhelming physical enlargement of his head over the years. Seriously, his body size to head ratio is way skewed. Let’s diagram the expansion…

    Beetlejuice 1988

    Beetlejuice 1988

    Beetlejuice (1988) – Baldwin’s head is normal size in this classic piece of 80’s cinema. It’s a bit long when compared with Geena Davis rather Lego-shaped head, though.

    The Hunt For Red October 1990

    The Hunt For Red October 1990

    The Hunt For Red October (1990) – Here we begin to see a widening of the cranial expanse. His overall mass has increased some but not drastically. I think a test for Barry-Bonds Syndrome would come back negative.

    glengary glen ross 1992

    Glengary Glen Ross 1992

    Glengarry Glenross (1992) – This movie has some great one-liners in it, and if you’re a salesman, this is required viewing. But that didn’t get keep his head from getting liquored up on Wild Turkey, jumping behind the wheel of an ’83 Dodge Omni and slamming head-on into the ginormous noggin pillar.

    Ghosts of Mississippi 1996

    Ghosts of Mississippi 1996

    Ghosts of Mississippi (1996) – The mid 90’s were lean times for Mr. Baldwin and the width of his head showed it. At this point however, his head had already embarked on a journey that was far outside his control.

    Outside Providence 1999

    Outside Providence 1999

    Outside Providence (1999) – When asked about the dramatic growth of his cranium in a 1997 article in Esquire, Baldwin responded:

    “I like to think of my head as if it’s a Johnny Cash song, it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.”*

    The Aviator 2005

    The Aviator 2005

    The Aviator (2005) – In the span of just 6 short years, Arec Bardwin’s head has doubled in size and gone completely square. It reminds me of one of those blocks you break in Mario Bros. and the mushroom pops out and gives you an extra life. Oooooh, you just got 1UPed, Arec Bardwin.

    30 Rock 2008

    30 Rock 2008

    30 Rock (2008) – Two Words: F’n Largo. He’s probably on ‘roids at this point and is a shell of a man inside. But notice, he’s definitely bigger, but there’s no way his body size should necessitate a head of the enormity. It’s not even like he’s lost hair or anything so it appears bigger. The thing just spawned.

    *He probably didn’t say that.

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    The Continued Adventures of Bullett Bob

    2009 - 09.20

    Suicide Bob 001

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    Pon De Floor

    2009 - 09.19

    Ummm. Something about the Atlanta “Humpalympics” and I’ve seen the dude with the mohawk out in Atlanta a couple times. Enjoy.

    Major Lazer “Pon De Floor” from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

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    Dating – A fiery D.U.I. wreck

    2009 - 09.18

    Let’s visit once more the gift that keeps on giving, my dating life. There is a point to all of this, I swear. It’s leading up to one of the greatest events of all time. Chronologically, this tale should have been posted before the Kiss of Death, but I’d kinda blocked it from memory. Recanting these tales of dating woe have brought back a lot of repressed memories for your reading enjoyment… (Someone remind me why I’m doing this again?)

    When I was a freshman in college, I met this girl Samantha (not her real name). I don’t exactly remember how, but we hit it off pretty good. We went on a couple of little faux-dates and in my naievety I assumed we were dating. One day while I was driving back down to school from my parents’ house in Atlanta, I got a speeding ticket in Conyers. That’s where Samantha was from. When it came to go pay the ticket, we set up a little date thing to go have dinner with her parents in Conyers so I could meet them and pay my ticket at the same time. This dating thing was working out swimmingly.

    We should rewind here for a moment and recall how I came to believe that we were dating. On one of our first adventures together, Samantha and I wound up at Wal-Mart looking at fish in the pet section. Since we lived in the dorms, fish were about the only pets we were allowed to have and she mentioned that she would like to have one.  I filed this away in my head. Please keep in mind that at this point in my life, I still thought you could pick up chicks by being thoughtful and considerate and treating them well. <—– Doesn’t Work

    Samantha’s birthday was a week or two later, so I pulled a page out of my Damn Fine Ideas book and bought her a beta fish. I purchased it the day before her birthday and I’d read somewhere that you can put beta fish in a vase with flowers and it will survive. That sounded like a mildly romantic idea, so I picked up a little vase from Kroger with a flower in it. I went back to my dorm room and put the fish into the vase with the flower and it looked pretty good to me. I set it up on the shelf above my desk and went on about my business.

    The next day was her birthday and when I came back from class to get ready to go out, I took a look at the fish and for no other reason than this story is about me, the fish was dead. Evidently, they put some fertilizer or something in the water in those flower vases and I neglected to change that water before I put the Catata Fish in. End result: Muerta

    So I ran ran ran back to Wal-Mart to find another fish really quick. This time I bought some of those little rocks that go in the bottom of the fish tank and I bought a big glass milk pitcher. I filled the pitcher with fresh water and put the rocks in the bottom. I put the flower vase inside the pitcher and used the rocks to kinda hold it in there. Then I threw in the fish and it turned out really nice. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

    I walked over to her dorm and gave her the fish. She loved it. We went out to dinner and then to the bar for karaoke. Then we ended the night with a little make out session. All in all, I thought I was pretty safe in my assumption that we were dating.

    So, back to the story at hand. We’d gone to Conyers, paid my ticket, and met her family. A pretty successful evening if I might say so myself. As we were making the hour long trip back to Milledgeville, I felt that rumble in my belly reminiscent of the 2nd most embarrassing story ever. “No big deal.” I thought. “I can make it back to Milledgeville.” I sped up the El Camino a little and tried to tough it out.

    Now in most situations, you’d just find the nearest gas station and take care of your business. But this wasn’t a normal situation. We were on Hwy 212 and back then, once you got outside Conyers, there wasn’t anything on 212 till you got to Milledgeville. No stores, no restaurants, no gas stations, no nothing. Except Nuwabians, there were those. Times were getting desperate and I flat out told her that something bad wrong was happening in my stomach. I guess I was just covering the bases in case the situation went to shit (which it most likely would).

    I was probably doing about 90 mph down this back highway trying to make it to somewhere where I could exorcise this demon bursting forth within me. Finally, with beads of sweat pouring down my face, we came across a gas station on the outskirts of the ‘Ville. It was one of those old style gas stations with the bathrooms on the exterior, so I ran inside and grabbed the key (which was attached to a hubcap) from the attendant. I have no idea why I needed the key because the bathroom door had no door knob on it anymore and wouldn’t close all the way anyway. I told Samantha to run blocker for me and I ventured in.

    Who doesn't play guitar with a capo? This guy...

    Who doesn't play guitar with a capo? This guy...

    I was ill-prepared for the sight that met my eyes. To say that there was a toilet in there, while technically correct, would be a loose interpretation of the word. The bowl portion of the porcelain abomination was missing a pretty large chunk and there was shit-water running out into the floor through a crack in the front. It didn’t matter, I had no other alternative. The best I could do was to stand on the edges of the toilet bowl (there was no seat, and even if there was, I’m pretty sure that’s how you get crabs.) and squat. It was horrid, but I survived. I collected my dignity and we finished the trip to Milledgeville with nary a word spoken about the situation.

    The next time Samantha and I hung out, I decided to try to make this little relationship a bit more official. As we were returning from a movie, I brought up “our relationship.” She seemed shocked that I thought we were dating and quickly shot down that idea. I learned an important lesson about the women folk that night. Evidently they have two ladders. A friend ladder and a dating ladder. The top of that friends ladder is eerily similar to the dating ladder, with one major exception. You’re just friends. All I had done was make a fancy climb up to the top of a ladder I never wanted to be on in the first place.

    This kinda pissed me off/hurt my feelings and at that time, I had a tendency to say things that I’d regret later. And I said a lot of things. Plus I sorta made fun of her boyfriend a few months later for playing a guitar with a capo. Long story short, her last words to me were “I hope you die in a fiery D.U.I. wreck.” Damn I’ve come a long way…

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