Biloxxxi's Woodshed

“It is an ill wind that blows nobody good. Everybody must live, and what would become of the glaziers if panes of glass were never broken?”
-Frederic Bastiat

Political bumper stickers bug the shit out of me. Democrat, Republican, Al Qaeda, it doesn’t matter, they’re all stupid. Political bumper stickers are only relevant for about 8 months. After that, either your guy was elected and you’re happy and your paint job is ruined, or you’re a douche because you backed a losing horse and your paint job is ruined. Either way your paint job is ruined. This past election cycle, we got an extra added bonus. As a result of the metric shit-ton* of Obama bumper stickers, our economy took a walk off the plank. I don’t blame Captain Obama for this, I blame the hoardes of followers that purchased the God-forsaken “Yes We Can” bumper stickers and the 27 people that bought the Ron Paul stickers (Nobody bought Mcain/Palin bumper stickers because your car would get keyed). Just go with me on this. You might learn something.

I was seriously worried this was Arabic at first. Turns out, it's Hebrew for "recession."

There’s a story you probably read back in economics class called The Parable of the Broken Window. Just in case your mother dropped you when you were little, it goes a little something like this:

A shopkeeper, let’s say a baker, has a store in a small town. His son throws a stone and breaks a window in the store. The baker is quite upset over this and calls the window maker (glazier) to repair it. The glazier arrives and informs the baker that it will cost $10 to repair the window. The baker reluctantly agrees. As the glazier repairs the window, the townspeople stand around and declare, “Every man must make a living. What would the glazier do if no windows were ever broken?” The baker pays the man the $10, the Glazier pats the boy on the head, and everyone goes on about their business.

For its one paragraph length, this story contains a wealth of information. A pretty complete working knowledge of our economy can be gleaned from an understanding of this parable.

First off, the idea that society as a whole benefits as a whole from the window being broken is false. (Stimulus plan, anyone?) Sure, the glazier would not have received payment for fixing the broken window, but had the window not been broken, the baker could have spent the money on groceries or new shoes or something like that.

But what about the window maker? Sure, he benefits immediately and directly from the window being broken, but it comes at the expense of the baker. If the window remains unbroken, perhaps the baker uses the $10 to buy a new pair of shoes from the cobbler. The cobbler, in turn, buys something from the blacksmith. Then the blacksmith, who just happens to be building a new home, uses the money to help pay the glazier for the windows in his new home.

See the difference? In the second example, society benefitted as a whole, because the production came at no one’s expense. Everyone gained something they wanted. In the first example, there was no net benefit to society, because the baker had to give up his new pair of shoes to fix the broken window. Essentially, it comes down to fixing something that’s broken artificially versus buying something new. This story is meant to represent a tiny transaction, but it happens millions of times a day in a million different combinations. Take a minute to wrap your noggin around this before I use it to explain how Obama bumper stickers cause me to have to keep this God-forsaken job.

Ready? Ok, here we go…

Let’s say that in the heat of the moment, you got all caught up in the Obama movement and you went out and bought an Obama/Biden ’08 bumper sticker and smacked that puppy on the back bumper of your 2001 Honda Accord. You rode around, proudly displaying your love for Barack N’ Roll (possibly the title of U2′s forthcoming album), until 2010 when it came time to purchase a new vehicle. You kept your Honda in immaculate condition and you should be able to garner top dollar for it. Except, no one wants to buy a car with a bumper sticker on the back, at least not a nice one. So you go out back to remove it, and a chunk of paint comes off with it. Great, now you’ve either gotta knock something off the selling price or you send it to the Body Shop to be repainted.

There are many different ways this story could go from here, but keep in mind that it is representative of millions of different transactions, and the overwhelming likelihood is that the money will get spent on fixing the car. So first off, we have to decide who benefits monetarily from this scenario. (The fact that Obama was elected is irrelevant to this story.) Obviously whoever made and sold the bumper stickers will benefit directly from so many sticker purchases. Then you’ve got the body shop people who get paid for repairing the vehicles. Those are the beneficiaries. Now, we have to see at who’s expense this profit comes at and whether it’s a net loss to society as a whole.

It’s pretty plain to see that the body shop and the sticker maker’s profit comes at the expense of the vehicle owner. Having a bumper repainted costs roughly $500 and a bumper sticker costs maybe $4. $500 is typically the deductible on a car insurance plan, so that portion is getting paid to the body shop out of the car owner’s pocket. His window just got shattered. If there was no bumper sticker damage, the body shop would get paid through car wrecks and normal wear and tear on down the line anyway. However, the car owner has to forgo any number of things to pay for this damage; groceries, dining out, new clothes, etc. All things that would stimulate the economy in a much broader spectrum.

The bumper sticker maker is a slightly different story. Although he’s benefited greatly from this infusion of cash, those that make bumper stickers are usually pretty diversified. A manufacturer simply puts a logo on a sticker. They can also put this logo on a million different things that don’t destroy property. Not particularly difficult to switch to something else when bumper stickers aren’t lucrative. Also, there’s no bumper sticker store at the mall. They’re usually just something you buy off a website or pick up at a newsstand. If bumper stickers aren’t profitable, you just switch to something else and you’re out maybe $20.

Does everyone see the correlation between the broken window parable and the bumper sticker parable? The broken window parable is pretty cut and dried. Something gets destroyed, one person pays, the other person gets paid. The Obama bumper sticker parable is slightly different. An item is created that makes one person money, but in the long run, it destroys another person’s property which has to be repaired. That benefits one person at the expense of another at a greater rate than the original gain. Final score: net drain on society.

Honestly, Obama bumper stickers probably haven’t contributed to the recession all that much, but they have reduced the value of our GDP thorugh some miniscule increment. I enjoy looking at things from this point of view. The next time you watch a Dirty Harry or Die Hard movie, try to think about the collateral damage in terms of it’s net effect on society as a whole in monetary terms. It’ll either give you a headache or you’ll end up with with a warped mind like mine.

*My favorite thing about the term ‘metric shit-ton’ is that it combines both the Metric and Standard systems of measurement, and that, my dear friends, is totally tits.

“What makes a man? Is it the power in his hands? Is it his quest for glory?”
Now You’re A Man – DVDA

I read an article a few weeks back in Esquire magazine about what makes a man a real man or something like that. It was a good article. Some I agreed with, some I didn’t. But I liked the idea, so I’ve decided to make my own list of things that comprise “A Real Man.” Here’s 1-25 in no particular order…

1. A Man knows how to change the oil in his own car. He doesn’t always have to do it, but he needs to know how.

2. A Man can change a flat tire. If you don’t know how to do this, learn right now.

3. A Man can act under pressure. A real man analyzes the situation and acts accordingly. It may not always be right, but it’s better than freezing up.

4. A Man admits when he is wrong.

5. A Man is responsible. If he screws up, he takes the blame, and does his best to fix it.

6. A Man learns from his mistakes and tries his damndest not to repeat them.

7. A Man drinks beer. Liquor is fine, but there’s a certain gumption involved in acquiring the taste for beer.

A Man (sorry, I couldn't resist.)

8. A Man opens the door for his lady. Whether 25 or 85, he never fails.

9. A Man can shoot a gun. Even if he never intends to shoot at anything more than a paper target, he has to appreciate the power of a gun. That appreciation is only learned through pulling the trigger.

10. A Man believes in something. Whether it be God, Rock N Roll, or the Small-Block Chevy,  a Man has unwavering faith in that something to deliver him from evil. And Mustangs…

11. A Man gives respect where it is due. That being said, it is also impossible to ‘disrespect’ someone who has not earned respect in the first place. Rappers often struggle with this one.

12. A Man owns a suit that is exactly tailored to him. If you’re suit is not the best fitting piece of clothing you own, you need a new one. I dress like I don’t have a lick of sense 99% of the time, but you can take it to the bank that when it comes time to put on the suit, I look damn good.

13. A Man works in the food-service industry at some point in his career. This is where he learns humility and the value of tipping.

14. A Man always tips. If the service is inferior, he complains, but he always tips. Those tips go to more than just what you see.

15. A Man stands up and takes his hat off during the National Anthem. And during Freebird as well, especially if he’s from the South.

16. A Man knows the Pledge of Allegiance.

17. A Man owns both a metric and a standard socket set.

18. A Man knows at least 3 ways to open a beer bottle, and can do one at any given time.

19. A Man can drive a car with a manual transmission.

20. A Man can take a shot of some liquor straight up. No salt, no lime, no ice.

21. A Man knows how to scalp tickets to a game and get at least 10% less than the scalper is asking.

22. A Man can cook a steak on the grill. Not just to his own liking, but to everyone else’s as well.

23. A Man has broken at least one bone doing something idiotic, but legendary just the same.

24. A Man can open a can without a can opener.

25. A Man drinks Coca-Cola. Pepsi is for lepers.