Atlanta, like any major city, has its fair share of homeless folks, or Urban Outdoorsman, as I like to call them. However, the current economic climate has definitely sent some otherwise decent people scrambling to find a warm place to sleep. I don’t typically put a lot of thought into why someone winds up homeless, but from the sheer number of encounters I’ve had with them, I’ve gotten fairly good at determining which ones are just down on their luck and which ones would never amount to anything anyway. I’d like to share some encounters with Urban Outdoorsman with you today…
My first real one-on-one encounter with a homeless man came when I was about 18 or 19. I was a Senior in High School and my brother lived down at the Ford Factory Lofts next to the Murder Kroger on Ponce. He had gone into the store to buy something and I was milling around in the parking lot. An Urban Outdoorsman came up to me and started hassling me for money. I honestly didn’t have any and told him so, but he wasn’t easily dissuaded. My brother came back out and I told him to give the guy some money and he replied, “Hell no, I’m not giving that guy any money. He better do a trick or something.” So, in response to Jay’s request, the guy took his thumb and twisted it all the way around. It was quite gross, but I learned a valuable lesson. If you’re gonna donate money to the homeless cause, you might as well get them to do something cool. This may sound like exploitation, but if you went to the circus you’d be pretty pissed if the trapeze artist took your ticket money and went straight to the liquor store with out even attempting to go across the high wire.
Welcome to Atlanta
Usually I don’t deal with the itinerant homeless folk. They’re just drunks and frankly, that just hits too close to home. But a month or two back I was wandering home from the bar and a homeless asked me for some change. So I told him to vote for Obama. Hahaha, not really. He looked fairly harmless, and I was in desperate need of some Pepperoni Pizza flavored Combos and a Gatorade, so I just told him to come with me. He followed me up to the gas station and I bought him some Thunderbird. He was very grateful and for the first time, I really felt like I was making a difference in someone’s life. It really is fulfilling helping out the less fortunate.
Another time, I let a homeless guy sleep in the back of my truck, when there were was an old mattress in there I was getting rid of. I parked it on the street at that time, so there wasn’t any real danger to me from letting a random person sleep in it. I told him not to steal my truck though. My exact words were, “If you steal my truck, it will end badly for you.” He didn’t steal it, so all was well the next morning. I felt like that was a nice thing to do. Jesus said something about opening your door to those in need. The tailgate on El Chup is kinda like a door…
My favorite run-in with an Urban Outdoorsman is actually a recurring one involving a female crackhead. I can’t say for sure that she is actually a crackhead, but she’s certainly not right. She typically works the area on Boulevard between North Ave. and Ponce. Chances are if you frequent this area at all, you’ve seen her. she stumbles around on the curb by the Marta bench and then when traffic stops, she’ll wander out in between the cars to bug you for money. She doesn’t just ask you for money, she demands it. In a sort of Carl Childers, Sling Blade voice, “Mmmmm give me some money…” The best part (depending on your tolerance for nasty) is when she does her little dance and shows her chest (Breasts is too kind a word for whatever those things are). The image will be burned into your retinas for quite awhile after that, I can assure you. My most memorable account of her occurred at the corner of Ponce and Boulevard. As I pulled up to the traffic light, she wandered out in front of El Chup and hollered at me to give her some money. About that time, out of nowhere, I hear a booming voice over a loud speaker, “Get out of the road!” The woman jumped and looked up to see a police van sitting there. The woman looked up and flicked off the cop, who then got out and arrested her. I had a good laugh on that one. Obviously it didn’t stick, because she was back the next week.
If you’re visiting Atlanta and you’d like to visit the homeless in their natural habitat, there are two prime locations to watch without being in any real danger. The first is the corner North Ave. and Spring Streets near the Bank of America Plaza and All Saints Episcopal Church. They like to sit out on the steps and heckle passers-by. It’s really pretty entertaining. The other is slightly more sketchy. There’s a ditch between City Hall East and the Ford Factory Lofts where the train tracks are. Often times, the homeless will get liquored up and congregate down there. They get in arguments and sing and all sorts of entertaining hijinx. I wouldn’t recommend actually going down there, but some entertainment can be had in the Murder Kroger parking lot too. If you know anyone that lives in the lofts there, that’s you’re vantage point. Believe me, they have some stories to tell.
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