Biloxxxi's Woodshed

I always just thought people understood. I guess thats what I get for thinking.

The mascot for the University of South Carolina is the Gamecock. A big freakin angry chicken. If you’ve ever been out drinking with me, chances are you’ve heard of the “Chicken Raid” movie, a short film still under development. For some odd reason, I throw chickens in that same category of “white trash” as Trans-Ams, Lynyrd Skynyrd, barefoot children, and Mason jars as glass-ware. I.e. awesome.

Anyway, back to the Gamecocks. When I was in high school, everybody had a Gamecocks hat. Do you know what it said on it? Cocks. And it had a little embroidered rooster going ape-shit on some imaginary being. I had one, all the folks in the Dixie Mafia had them, basically if you were cool you had one. Do you know why everybody had one? Because it said “Cocks” on it and cocks are funny (If you don’t get why that’s funny, stop reading now).

A year or two back, on of my ladyfriends was visiting with some friends at the University of South Carolina and she asked if I would like her to bring me back a t-shirt. “Sure.” I said and she returned with a shirt that said “COCKS” on it with that same enraged rooster. Hell yeah! Even better, it was one of those high-quality t-shirts that actually fit. This bad boy was going into heavy rotation.

I’ve worn the shirt probably at least once every 2 weeks since I’ve had it. I don’t think anyone ever gave it a moment’s notice until recently. One night a few weeks ago, I was wearing the shirt and I was walking home from the bar. For some reason, I was kinda in a bad mood. It might have been the same night as the Nice Guys Better Be Built For Speed saga. I passed a group of guys walking the other direction and one of them said to me, “Hahaha! your shirt says COCKS on it!” I replied to him, “I know what it says. I’m the one that’s wearing it.” He mumbled something and went back to stumbling down the road. And still I wear the shirt…

This past Saturday night, I was at the bar (Fontaine’s, where else?) with all the other Wharf Rats and I was wearing my Gamecocks t-shirt. I was having a conversation with one of Jenn’s friends and after a bit she asked me if I went to USC. “No.” I replied. “Why are you wearing a t-shirt that says Cocks on it then?” “A friend bought it for me.” I replied. Evidently she didn’t get the joke. She then explained that she couldn’t understand why such an obviously straight guy would be wearing a t-shirt that said “cocks” on it. And still I wear the shirt…

Skeksis from "The Dark Crystal"

A little later that evening, I was scoping out this bean head, trying to decide if she was worth hollerin at (holla holla holla holla). I kept looking at her like she was one of those optical illusions they used to give you back in elementary school. If you focused your eyes one way, she was sort of hot, but if you focused them the other way, she sorta looked like a Skeksis. I never really got to make my final decision, because she beat me to the punch.

“Did you go to USC?” She asked. “No.” I replied. “So you just like cocks then?” Was her parting shot. Her gait reminded me of a Skeksis even more so than her face, so thank God for small favors, but this cocks nonsense is starting to get old. If half as many people actually went to UGA as there are people wearing UGA t-shirts, their annual enrollment would be somewhere in the low to mid 3 million range. Is there any sort of gay innuendo in that? It’s not like I was wearing a University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors t-shirt circa 1987. It’s a collegiate t-shirt that I think looks cool and is mildly humorous. Get over it.

University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors

But since I don’t have the time or inclination to educate the entire drunken world on why I wear the t-shirts I do, I’ve put together a short list of what to tell people if they ask if you went to USC. BTW, that’s life lesson #137 and the answer is always yes.

The University of South Carolina
Main campus: Columbia, SC
Mascot: Gamecocks
If they ask what you majored in: Management (or you didn’t graduate, at which point you switch the conversation to whatever online college you attended.)
What dorm you stayed in as a Freshman:  Innovista. If they ask, just say it was the new place they were building when they were there. This always works at major schools.
Football Head Coach: Steve Spurrier (Who doesn’t know this?)
What bar you hung out at: The Flying Saucer on Senate St. Tons of beer and live music.

If they haven’t bought in by this point, tell them “I’m sorry sir, I’m gonna break your leg.”

So what have we learned? 1. Don’t question Biloxi’s t-shirt choices. 2. If anyone asks you if you went to USC, because of your Cocks t-shirt, always say yes.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm and is filed under The Adventures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.