Since everyone now believes that the Dollar is spiraling towards its fiery death as the world currency, and the liberal hippie douches* have finally figured out how to implement their Communist Utopia, a new currency will need to ascend to take the almighty Dollar’s place. In the new Communist Utopia, tentatively called Commubabwe, there will be no room for traditional capitalistic currencies like the Euro, the Yen, or the Chinese ______ (insert sound of fork falling down steps now). No, in Commubabwe, a completely new currency is needed. Here’s my proposal…
If you’ve ever been caught trying to drown a cat in a burlap sack, then you know that liberal hippie douches (LHDs for the remainder of this essay) frown on that sort of thing. Anything remotely cool or capitalistic is denounced by the LHDs as being detrimental to the existence of kittens, usually with some ass-hat reference to that Bob Dylan song, Blowin in the Wind. “How many times must a kitty-cat drown, before we decide to let them be…”
Anyway, LHDs love those sumbitches and since according to them, everything has a detrimental effect on the Earth. Thusly, everything kills kittens. It is my proposal that we measure the cost of all products and services in Commubabwe in terms of the impending doom laid upon cats from their purchase. This may seem slightly odd, but cats are a fairly abundant resource, and their destruction is quantifiable. Perfect for a communistic society whose intention is to destroy wealth. The death of a cat represents the death of some part of the environment in an actual, tangible sense. Not just some theoretical, “the polar ice is melting” kind of hysteria. Pretty heady stuff.
You can’t just run out and declare one day that a gallon of soy milk is worth three dead kittens. It has to be tied to something, at least at first. Just like Dickie Fahrenheit did with his temperature scale. It’s based on the freezing point of pickle brine (which totally explains why water freezes at the arbitrary 32 degree mark).
exchange rate
The Toyota Prius is the high-water mark for all things LHD. It’s good for the environment (because it runs on magic) and it’s built by a foreign company (and everyone knows a foreign company has no interest whatsoever in making money). Therefore, it’s the perfect thing to peg the Dead Cat Currency to. Alas, even the most environmentally friendly vehicles kill kittens, and for every Prius built, according to my calculations, roughly 1000 kittens die. That’s a nice round number and makes an easy ratio to compare products. So, if you’d like to purchase a Prius, you’d have to take 1000 live kittens to the dealership to offset the environmental cost. Keep in mind that you’re not actually paying for the production cost of the vehicle, just the cost of the impact to the environment. That’s all that matters.
Since the only thing you’re paying for in Commubabwe is the environmental cost of a product or service, you won’t actually be able to purchase a Prius. It’s just a mark on the scale to help determine costs. Also, just because an item costs more in today’s traditional Dollars, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will cost more in Dead Kitties. It’s environmental impact might be less than a traditionally more expensive item, and therefore cost fewer Dead Kitties. I’ve included some graphs to help explain things.
Now, to tie up a few loose ends. To actually pay for an item or service you have to bring some live kittens to the table. This makes the term Dead Cat currency a bit of a misnomer, but it actually represents the poor innocent kittens that will die because of your selfish, capitalistic purchase. You give 1000 live cats to a dealership, and a few live and a few die. They pay their suppliers with live cats and breed the difference. Everybody’s fat and cat happy. Basically, this means you better get real good at raising felines and equally as good at dodging the ASPCA.
How to calculate the cost in dead kittens
Dead Kitten price for popular items
*It’s satire, Bitches. Get your head out of your ass and laugh for once… As soon as you figure it out.
