Some say there exists a double standard in which a female may be considered a ho for the things she does, whereas a male is given a free ride for doing the same things. That’s probably true to some extent, but maybe that just means you have loose moral fiber. There is one sure-fire way to cement your reputation as a ho; Shacking up with your boyfriend’s friends.
When men are born, there are certain pacts they make with their creator, also known as Man-law. These pacts are signed in blood and stored in the Archives of Manland. Both Jesus and Satan have copies of these pacts, and if you fail to uphold your end, they make you run stairs in your respective afterlives. Some of these are well known, such as the principle of “bros before hoes,” while others must remain unmentioned for fear that the females may exploit them to deal from a greater position of power. The pact we are concerned with today is that of the “Compromising Photo/Sex Tape.”
Think about it, what’s the point of a sex tape? Will you watch it again to see where you could make improvements like a football player? Doubtful. Why not just go do it again? They are made for one purpose; to show others. What do you do with a picture of yourself that’s taken with your digital camera that you don’t like? You delete it.
Now granted, some people are exhibitionists and do enjoy the attention garnered from a sex tape or compromising photos. In that case, film away. But if you don’t want somebody to see you showing off the goat or grinding the stump monkey, then it’s best not to let anyone record it. Try as they might to avoid it, guys are required by Man-law to show these things off. I’m sorry, Honeybear, but Man-law is bigger than you.
Another basic tenant of Man-law states that these photos should never be discussed in any public venue ever, unless they are common public knowledge. I.e. The Paris Hilton sex tape. Even more important than that, photos/vids should never, under any circumstances, be discussed in front of the female featured in them. You’d think this would go without saying, but unfortunately that is not the case. There is a term that is applied to people that break this rule, and that term is “Fucktard.” This term is typically bequeathed to an individual through some sort of forceful impact to the face. Usually in the form of a black eye, split lip, or bloody nose. Sometimes all three, depending on the transgression.
So where does a ho play into this? Well, let’s say that our good friend, Fucktard, brings to light his knowledge of compromising photos in front of a girl featured in said photos. He mentions that her boyfriend showed them to her and that she is, in fact, “a ho.” (To clarify, compromising photos don’t make you a ho.) Fucktard has broken several major Manlaws here, and this girl’s boyfriend is well within his Man-rights to concuss Fucktard with extreme prejudice.
After this ho-speak and concussing and naked photo revelations, one might expect the girl to be quite upset, especially if she doesn’t understand Man-law. What one would not expect is for this girl to take Fucktard’s side. Sure he just got punched, but he also called her a whore. I’m pretty sure most of those girls I’ve ever dated would add insult to injury at this juncture. That’s what she did though.
Come Monday morning, the girl and Fucktard are all hugged up and dating. Our (former) boyfriend, who followed Man-law to the letter, will be signing pieces of the train wreckage of his relationship out by the Quad this weekend, whilst Fucktard gets to rest his little head on her bosom knowing that Satan will make him run stairs in Hell (with a black eye). As for the girl? Well, she may not have been a ho on Friday, but she’s certainly a ho now. Best hurry up, Honey, the meter’s running…
Author’s Note: Regardless of what the Bible says, I’m pretty sure that whichever side of this anecdote you fall on determines whether you go to Heaven or Hell. Don’t be a Fucktard. Sack up and do right by your friends. A real man tolerates no hoes. Do you think the Dos Equis man ever let a woman walk all over him? Doubtful. On the plus side, (Ex) Boyfriend and Fucktard are now Eskimo Brothers. Perhaps he can get some free fries out of the deal or something…