Biloxxxi's Woodshed

We’ve all been caught up of late in the Tiger Woods saga. (He’s got his own ticker on ESPN, for God’s sake.) Everyone wants to know what went down and how he managed to wreck his car without being drunk. Obviously, y’all have never been in Atlanta, where people manage to wreck their cars in the most ridiculous manner ever, under the influence of nothing. Typically, it’s because their either foreign or on the cell-phone. (BTW, why do Persians* always drive Camrys?) The word on the street is that he was wallowing around with some New York beanhead, while his wife, Elin Nordegren, was at home tending to the youngan. Some sort of argument broke out over the weekend and his wife roughed him up and he wrecked his Caddy. The question on everyone’s mind is, why the hell would he cheat on that level-7 smoking hot creature?

I talked about Man-law and the pacts signed in blood last week. There are also a few life-lessons you’re supposed to learn along the way, typically from your father, but since about half our population doesn’t have those any more (or know who they are), that responsibility falls to a brother or an uncle or something. One of those cardinal rules is: Never Cheat Down. In other words, if there’s a steak dinner waiting for you when you get home, don’t stop at QT and pick up a chili dog on the way back to the house. Cheating is risky enough as it is, and it’s seldom worth the price you’ll pay in the end, but for the love of God don’t trade an old clunker for the keys to your Mercedes.

This happened a year or two back to Christie Brinkley. She’s probably the hottest 50 year old woman I have ever seen and her douche-bag husband cheated on her with an 18 year old. I can see the idea here, 18 vs. 50, but have you ever actually talked to an 18 year old? I’m only 27 and as hot as that sweet little thing might be, I can’t converse with her for more than a half hour without a stiff drink. Plus, there’s the added fact that Ole Douchery McGoo here has totally derailed his gravy train. There’s kids involved, who now hate Daddy. Plus, if there’s a divorce, cheaters get NOTHING!

Not nearly big enough

This whole thing with Tiger Woods is alleged, and honestly we should give him the benefit of the doubt. People do make mistakes and maybe he was just seen at the wrong place at the wrong time and really did nothing wrong. I do commend him on keeping quiet though. Far too often celebrities get up on stage and start apologizing to everyone. Screw that. Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.

As my good friend, Jeff Schultz, mentioned in his blog yesterday, if all this true, Tiger should go the Kobe route and buy the biggest freakin diamond ring he can find. If he can’t reconcile with her, it’s gonna cost him a fortune. I’m sure there’s some sort of prenup agreement, but doesn’t that go out the window if you cheat? I’m pretty sure Tiger’s worth about 100 million, and I’m also sure that Elin would wind up with about half of that, plus a rather nice monthly stipend. I think I’d rather just die and give Obama his 40% cut.

*Anyone of unknown middle eastern descent is henceforth known as Persian.