Dateline: February 17th, 2011 Charlotte, NC*
Timothy Richard Tebow, commonly referred to as “Dick-Bow,” was arrested early this morning at Ri-Ra Irish Pub on N. Tryon St. in downtown Charlotte. Police were called to the scene after another patron heard a “tapping” sound followed by a “snorting” sound in an adjacent stall in the pub’s restroom. The patron notified the management, and when management went to investigate, Tebow was found in the stall attempting to kick the urinal off the wall.
When asked to comment, the manager, Elias MacDougal, responded, “Never in all my years have I seen a urinal inspire so much rage in an individual.”
After a brief struggle with police, Tebow was detained and taken to the city jail. A trace amount of cocaine was found on his person, but based on evidence found at the scene and his unusual behavior, he is suspected to have ingested most of it. A drug test was administered at the police station. Results are pending.
This incident is just the latest in a series of increasingly questionable events in Tebow’s life since he was drafted in the fifth round of the 2010 NFL draft by the Carolina Panthers. The strangest being the incident in Las Vegas last November where a “Woman of the night” was found dead in Tebow’s room. It was ruled an accidental death, but questions still abound. Most notably, how a stripper managed to impale herself on a bust of Wayne Newton in the room at the MGM Grand Hotel. Rooms at the MGM Grand don’t normally come equipped with busts of Wayne Newton, so it’s mere presence at the scene is still a mystery to law enforcement officers.
File Photo
Dick-Bow, once the golden child of the college football ranks, has seen his star fall considerably since that fateful loss against Alabama in the SEC championship on December 5th, 2009. Tebow could be seen sitting in tears on the sideline near the end of the game, and surely at that time he believed it would be the low point of his life. How wrong he was.
Tebow’s life has spiraled out of control from that moment forward. His team suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of Cincinnati. A game in which his throwing arm was broken trying to dive across the goal line for a score. To add insult to injury, he fumbled the ball on the play and it was returned for a touchdown.
His NFL prospects were already questionable, but they were further degraded by the injury, which spread doubt about his arm strength and ability to recover. The Carolina Panthers pretty much drafted him to get the sympathy vote. His athletic ability and leadership qualities should have translated into something a bit more tangible than the league minimum salary, but it turns out the jump pass isn’t effective in the NFL and middle linebackers will eat a QB turned TE for dinner.
Perhaps there’s still time to salvage an NFL career, but at this juncture it might be more prudent to concentrate on getting his life out of the ditch.
When asked for comment, his agent and spiritual adviser Hezekiah Slaughter, had this to say: “I think it’s a bit premature to try him in the court of public opinion, but look at Michael Irvin. He did a ton of blow and still had a great NFL career.”
No words, ladies and gentleman. No words.
*Just in case the date set in the future didn’t indicate this, this story is NOT TRUE. Don’t sue me.
UPDATE: I just discovered This t-shirt, which may be the greatest t-shirt ever made. It can be had at Redlabelsports.com for the low low price of $13. I bought 67 and I don’t even like Alabama.
Tebow Cries
1 day and this story is taking off, 51 individual hits already, you are so gonna get sued.