I was thinking back the other day on just how much Facebook has become part of my life. I joined at some point near the beginning of 2005, so I’ve seen it’s evolution from a relatively simple platform into the monstrosity that it is today. It’s gotten to the point where I’m amazed when I meet someone who doesn’t have an account. Of all the advancements and additions to Facebook over the years, the Status Update is probably the most significant, and also the most misused. Today, I’m going to teach you how to construct a successful Facebook Status Update.
First, we need to get a couple of ground rules laid down…
1. Facebook is not Twitter. Do not treat it as such. I.e. No constant stream of thought updates.
2. You’re given a virtually unlimited amount of characters to type, don’t use text-message speak. It makes you look like an idiot.
3. Although eloquence is typically a positive, it’s far more beneficial to be blunt and correct than eloquent and wrong. Unless you’re a politician, verbiage doesn’t make up for dumbass.
We also need to define a successful Status Update. I consider a successful Status Update to be one that people either “like” or comment on, preferably more than one person. Let’s not kid ourselves, there’s a certain element of vanity that goes into Facebook. You want to portray yourself in the best light and attract people to post new and exciting things on your wall. Maybe even comment on a few of your pics. Facebook friends are made outside of Facebook, but Facebook friendships are cultivated in the online arena, and the status update is your hoe for tending that garden.
Article 1: Know Your Target Audience
If the majority of your Facebook friends are older adults, then a profanity laced tirade may not be the most appropriate tact. The same thing goes for your church-going friends. Write to your audience. Controversy works well, but avoid offending people.
Here’s an example from a Facebook friend of mine: “If you’re a Christian, you should not believe in Santa Claus.”
He’s a preacher, and I strongly disagreed with him, but he didn’t offend me. It also got a lot of responses from a lot of people. Good update.
Article 2: Originality is next to Godliness
If everyone else is saying, “OMFG! I can’t believe Michael Jackson is dead!” What are you adding to the conversation by saying the same thing? Nothing. Unless you’re the first one to post something like this, and believe me you’re not, it’s typically best just to avoid the situation. If you can somehow spin it and make it sound humorous, that’s fair game.
Example: “Insert cliche statement about Michael Jackson’s death here.”
Article 3: Telling People What You’re Doing
As I mentioned above, this type of thing is best suited for Twitter. Personally, I tend to hide folks that constantly do this. “I’m at the mall.” Who gives a shit if you’re at the mall? Certainly not me. Church it up a bit. Say, “I’m at the mall searching for the perfect Speedo to wear to @John Doe’s kid’s first birthday party.” See what I did there? I took a plain-Jane vanilla statement and put three distinct elements in it. Speedos; which are always funny, I included a friend; which typically is good for some cheap laughs, and little bit of creepiness with the whole idea of a Speedo at a child’s birthday party.
Article 4: Pose a Good Question to the Whole of Facebook
Got some burning question about why the world works the way it does? Ask Facebook! Nothing stirs the Facebook masses like a witty question.
Here’s an example I used the other day: “Why is every marginally decent country song on the radio immediately followed by a Rascal Flats song? Every time one of their songs gets played, the terrorists win.”
Stuff like that is always good for a few “likes” and it keeps you Facebook relevant. You might even get a Rascal Flats fan (if there are any) to comment on it. Then you’ve got a Status war going on, which is awesome.
Article 5: Point Out Flaws In Other Peoples’ Status Updates
This is one of my favorite things to do. It bugs the shit out of me when people say “John Doe is loving [insert random object here].” That whole “is loving” or “is hating” thing just bothers me. It just doesn’t sound right. Another thing that bothers me is the improper use of a vs. an. It’s “an apple” people, not “a apple.” Every now and then I’ll get fed up with everyone’s idiocy and make some huge rant Status Update. I can’t be bothered to dream one up at the moment, because rants are acts of passion and you can’t drum up passion at the whims of the fickle masses.
Article 6: Just Steal My Greatest Status Update Ever
“Biloxi Von Lutz is still winning the battle against obesity.”
I don’t know if this is irony or not, but it cracks me up, and that’s the most important element of a successful Facebook Status Update. Good day, that is all.
