Biloxxxi's Woodshed

Saturday had to be one of the most frustrating days in recent memory. I woke up Saturday morning for work and the pipes were frozen, even though I’d left the faucets dripping. That meant that when I got home from work, I’d be unable to take a shower. Freezing cold + Filthy = Awesome. (You can read more about this here.)

I got to work and some douche-nozzle had tried to steal my truck, El Chup, but failed miserably. (Obviously they weren’t aware that a fictional beast cannot be stolen.) They did manage to smash out the vent window which seriously blows, because they are a bitch to install. While cleaning up the glass and attempting to repair the damage with some cardboard, I gashed my wrist. Since it was a grand total of 19 degrees outside, I didn’t notice until the blood started soaking into my sweatshirt.

I’d arranged to take a shower over at Jenn’s house, but she was out running errands after work, so Andrew Tecumseh Crider was supposed to let me in. He is almost completely nocturnal at this point, so he didn’t bother to wake up and let me in until about 4:00. Jenn’s house can also be effectively described as a fortress with these ridiculous dead-bolt screen doors that can only be opened with a key. It took another 15 minutes for Tecumseh to locate a key to open the door. It was like I was 8 years old again, playing The Legend of Zelda. I could see where I needed to be, but I couldn’t figure out how to get there.

After trying every key on every door of the house, he was finally able to get one of these Death Star Portals to open. Three and half hours after I got home from work, I got to take a shower. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it was one of the top 5 showers I’ve ever taken. Ahh, sweet sweet warmth.

I hung out with Tecumseh for a bit and knocked back a couple of Dirty Caucasians (a White Russian made with vanilla vodka). That smoothed the edges a bit. Slid things out of focus, if you will. It’s amazing what dairy products and alcohol will do for your life outlook.

Following a brief appearance at a housewarming party where I performed a stirring rendition of Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden, The Wharf Rats decided that a trip to Metalsome Karaoke was in order. If you’re not familiar with Metalsome, it’s just like regular karaoke, except you’re performing with a real band. The crowd gets into it a lot more than a typical karaoke night and it’s really a lot of fun.

A couple of Jenn’s friends joined us and we all grabbed some beers and made our way to the front. Whilst we were rocking out to the soothing sounds of Styx, these cougar-like women burst through our group to get to the front. I’m hesitant to call them cougars. Truthfully, they were more like silver foxes, but since they weren’t attractive at all, we should probably just refer to them as someone else’s problem.

That whole someone else’s problem thing sure didn’t last long though. One of the ladies slammed into Jenn’s friend, Dana, who then bumped her back.

“Don’t shove me, Bitch!” The woman exclaimed.

“Umm, you shoved me. I was getting you off me.” Dana replied.

I missed this exchange, since it was happening behind me and I screaming Mother by Danzig at the top of my lungs. The next thing I knew I was doused in girlie-drink and the cougar-woman was diving head first into a column near the stage. Somehow, possibly because God protects drunks and dumbasses, she avoided slamming her head into the post and merely drove her shoulder into it in an exciting football tackle fashion.

Ladies and gentleman, may I present Exhibit A (the one in the back)

Initially, I thought the woman was in a one person fight and the post won, but as she climbed drunkenly back to her feet, I realized she was seriously pissed at someone. That someone was Dana. I have no idea how she managed to muster the strength to throw that woman who was considerably larger than she was into that post, but I sure did enjoy it. I glanced back at Dana. There was a look of calm in her eyes. She was ready.

Conversely, cougar-lynx woman was enraged. The opportunity was there to step in and stop this before it got out of hand, but probably the most important thing I ever learned being a bartender was never get involved in a girl fight. They will grab hair and scratch you fight all kinds of dirty, even though you’re just trying to break it up. Let the bouncers handle it. I stayed put for the time being, content to see how this battle of good versus evil would play out. Unfortunately, my revelry was cut short by security tackling the cougar-lynx-liger woman.

She was ejected and after a brief explanation, Dana was allowed to stay. We rocked out to a few more songs and decided to head down the street to our favorite watering-hole, Fontaine’s. As we climbed the stairs to get back to street level, there was the cougar-lynx-liger-bobcat woman waiting for us. The girls made a marginally big deal out of this, but the bouncer was right there, and the woman was way too drunk to realize who had hip-checked her into a pillar anyway. No issue there.

We all proceeded to Fontaine’s where we all got inexplicably wasted and did terrible things which were ill-advised, but not regrettable (because you only regret things you didn’t do). All in all, just another standard Wharf Rat Saturday night.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 at 4:32 pm and is filed under The Adventures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.