So like much of America, I hate my job. I’ve been applying to a good many positions, trying to get out of the tire business, but as you are well aware, the job market is sucking left hind tit. For each position you go through the typical motions; application, cover letter, resume. I’ve got my resume all dolled up. No typos, it’s all mostly true, and it sounds good. That’s pretty standard fare. The cover letter is where you get some freedom of expression. I’ve been doing it the so called “proper” way with little to no real results. It’s time for a new tactic. Below is my new and improved BVL Cover Letter
Biloxi Von Lutz – [insert contact info here]
[company name and address here]
Dear Hiring Manager,
The economic apocalypse is upon us. The political landscape is tumultuous. Everywhere we turn we see unease. This is not the ideal climate to pursue a new career. It is, however, an incredibly opportune time for [insert company name here] to acquire an invaluable asset. More specifically, me.
My resume is included for your review, but although it contains my employment history, I don’t feel that it captures the true essence of my nature. One cannot simply write on a resume that they can do everything and expect to be believed. The vast majority of my work experience is in the tire industry due to the fact that I was essentially born into it. It is not the sole domain into which my skills lie. Ignore this at your organization’s own peril.
I would like to include a list of some of my more arcane skills, so as to convince you that I am utterly essential to the continued financial prosperity of your company.
- I have an amazingly large vocabulary. When measured in cubic feet, it is larger than most of your clients’ homes.
- I am built for speed. God (or Allah, praise him) designed me to get from point A to point B before you or anyone else. This is invaluable when there are deadlines to be met.
- I’m a non-smoker. This means lowered health insurance costs and no loss of productivity due to smoke breaks.
- I have an absolutely amazing head of hair. Studies show that men with full heads of hair live happier, more fulfilling lives, and make superior employees.
- I am not scared of heights. This enables me to change lightbulbs in a fraction of the time it takes my coworkers.
- I’m a white male. While this may not help you from an affirmative action standpoint, I’m far less likely to get arrested or get pregnant than other prospective employees.
- I can jump my leg. “What’s the point of this,” you ask? Primarily, it’s a cool skill. People with cool skills are much more likely to succeed as employees.
Based on my resume, and the reasons listed above, it would be devastatingly foolish to miss this opportunity to hire a delightful, engaging young man such as myself for the position of [insert desired position here].
Most faithfully and indomitably yours,
Biloxi Von Lutz
If this doesn’t get me hired, then nothing will.
You should try and send this to a couple of businesses just to see their reaction. That would be awesome to see if they take it for what it is or just thanked you and said, “We’ll get back to you.”
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I’d give you an interview based solely on that cover letter. If nothing else, the hiring manager has to read a lot of boring cover letters, and I’d know that at least you wouldn’t be a boring interview. Plus, I’d kind of want to see you jump your own leg.
I am impressed not only by your letter, but by your clever excuse to publish a list of good things about yourself. You pull it off nicely.
I’m pretty sure this will up your chances at an interview by 55 to 80 percent (depending on the job, of course). Until then, at least you still have stock in extremely useful As Seen On TV products.
[...] Cover F’n Letter – I wrote this in about half an hour and it’s quickly becoming one of my favorites. [...]