Today I’d like to discuss with you a matter of staggering importance. After years of extensive research and painstaking calculations late in the night beneath electric candlelight, I can finally say that my life’s work is complete. Following in the footsteps of great mathematicians and philosophers such as Pythagoras, Newton, and Galileo, I present to you my first major breakthrough, Biloxxxi’s Theorem of Mudbutt Elasticity. In short, it states that:
In a stated system, the volume of traffic is directly proportional to one’s propensity to shit one’s own pants, given a fixed destination.
Here’s a graphical representation of my theorem:
Biloxxxi's Theorem
To further illustrate my point and the need for a fixed destination in the theorem, here’s a brief scenario…
It’s a Friday afternoon and your stepping out of the office for a quick bite to eat. You’ve got a proposal for the boss that’s due by 5:00, so you don’t have time for your usual #13 at Jersey Mike’s. As a consolation prize, you stop at Quiktrip to gas up your Dodge Stratus. While inside buying an horchata smoothie, your eyes come to rest on the mother of all gas station meals, The Master Blaster. “What’s a Master Blaster,” you ask? The Master Blaster is the red hot sausage dog in a hot dog bun with chili and cheese. It’s the leading cause of morbid obesity in the Atlanta area.
You feel that old familiar pang in your stomach and think to yourself, “If a heart attack on down the line is the price I pay for this bun of delectability, then I’m more than willing to pay it.” You tear open the bun, nestle that red hot sausage in there, and then step over to the chili cannon to load it up with nacho cheese and bagged chili. Ten minutes and $3.75 later you’re back at the office trying to make that chili stain on your tie look slightly less conspicuous.
The proposal goes off without a hitch and as the big clock strikes 5:00, the boss hits the lights, locks the door, and claps you on the back with a “Job well done, Son.” You skip off to your car, loosening your tie and donning your aviators. “It’s gonna be a great weekend!” You say to yourself.
Just as you sit down and start the car, your stomach drops. Not a little gas pain, but one of those 4 alarm emergency sort of pains. “I can make it home.” You think to yourself and accelerate on to the freeway. As soon as you merge, traffic grinds to a halt. “Are you F’n kidding me?” You exclaim. “Traffic’s never like this.” It is today, hombre. It is today.
Your only other option would have been to stop at a gas station along the route, but you’re on the freeway now. No such luck. Time to test the testicular fortitude of your innards. You’re in for a long ride home.
Traffic is a funny thing. Often it’s a random thing, but honestly its randomness is predicated on what you had for lunch. If you eat a salad for lunch and have absolutely no reason to be in a hurry, your commute is like shit through a goose. No pun intended. But if you’ve got even the slightest case of Vengeful Bowel Syndrome, that traffic will lock up tighter than a tick’s headband. It’s an odd phenomenon. Which brings me to my theorem.
The volume of traffic and the likelihood of you messing your underoos are directly proportional. This means that as one increases, so does the other. Your final destination has to be fixed for this theorem to remain presumably true.
If you’re leaving work and your goal is to make it home before the ass apocalypse occurs, then that’s your destination and the amount of traffic you incur will be dependent on that. You can’t just switch to a gas station and expect the theorem to hold true. Why? Because that would not constitute an emergency, and without that emergency, it’s just a commute.
So, I’m sure you’re wondering how I calculated this complicated theorem. Mainly, I’ve lived it, as referenced here and here. An individual cannot possibly consume as much processed food as I do and hope every commute goes smoothly. I’m sure each of you have experienced something similar. In response to this, I’ve decided to change my ways and eat better. And, after reading Jenn’s most recent blog post, I might even try some veggies. I’ll keep you posted.
