Resume preparation sucks. You know it and I know it. But it’s a necessary evil if you want gainful employment. A few months back, I wrote my “ideal” cover letter with what I wish I could say on it. Today I bring you my “ideal” resume, obviously without all the fancy formatting that Word allows you to do.
Biloxi Von Lutz
XXXX XXX XXX Atlanta, GA – XXX-XXX-XXXX Biloxxi@gmail.com
Objective:
To get a job with your company. Why? Because A) I’m hungry, B) This job pays more than my current job, or C) this job pays the same and sucks less than my current job.
Professional Experience:
Papa John’s Pizza – Delivery driver and in-store do-boy – From one year in college to another year in college
- Delivered pizza (it works exactly like you’d imagine)
- Never got robbed
- Occasionally answered the phone and purposely screwed up orders so I would no longer have to answer the phone.
Achievements: Didn’t get fired and was widely regarded as the greatest pizza slicer east of the Mighty Mississippi
XXXXXXXX Bar and Grill – Cook, Bartender, and occasional Waiter – My senior year of college
- Cooked all manner of foods that you see at bars, plus I learned how to deep fry pickles.
- Learned how to curse properly and drink like a man.
- Became an accomplished dishwasher
- Learned how to smoke cigarettes while cooking without getting ashes in food
- Learned the proper method of bribing the health inspector.
- Successfully learned dozens of drink recipes all involving vodka and some sort of red mixer
- Learned to open beer bottles with my eye socket
- Made many thousands of dollars selling alcohol to attractive underage girls.
- Learned not to call phone numbers that girls give you while waiting tables.
- Learned the proper method of separating two fighting females.
Achievements: Never got arrested and managed to get my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend arrested, but then felt bad and paid his bail. (That shows mercy)
XXXXXXX Tire and Martini Bar – whatever needs doing – From the time I could pick up a tire till now
- Well, you need used tires for your brand new BMW, where else are you gonna get them?
- Mounted and balanced the shit out of some tires.
- Bullshitted with old timers about how tires used to only cost a nickel and they lasted forever.
- Charged $5 to listen to how much cheaper, better, and faster everything is up north.
Achievements: Just working at this place is an achievement. Don’t you dare question it.
XXXXXXX Tire Co. – Tire Salesman – The three worst years of my life
- Answered the phone, usually unprofessionally
- Learned to get cussed at like a man
- Drove a 26 foot box truck that I was in no way certified to drive
- Semi-annually counted the 90,000 tires in the warehouse.
- Surfed to the end of the internet then turned around and surfed back.
Achievements: Earned the prestigious Black Lung award from secondhand smoke (it’s like the Purple Heart for Tire Industry folks). Passed a piss-test with flying colors.
Professional Certifications:
- 1996 DeKalb County Spelling Bee Champion
- Some online tests involving tires where I got free stuff for passing.
Education:
Georgia College & State University (Hail o’ beacon bright…)
Milledgeville, GA 2001 – 2005
Major: Rock and Roll with a minor in Relationship Destruction
Notable Coursework Included:
- How to Get a Girl and Subsequently Ruin It (REL 1102)
- Why AC/DC is the Best Band Ever (ROC 1201)
- The Importance of Alcohol in Female Wooing (REL/ALC 2401)
- Why John Mayer Sucks (ROC 1101)
- A Two-semester Long Simulation Called a “Relationship” (REL 3500)
Academic Awards: President’s List, Multiple Dean’s List Honoree, Jagerman of the Month, August 2005
Author’s Note: This is made up (mostly). Don’t take it too seriously.
