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    If Resumes Told the Truth


    2010 - 10.14

    Resume preparation sucks. You know it and I know it. But it’s a necessary evil if you want gainful employment. A few months back, I wrote my “ideal” cover letter with what I wish I could say on it. Today I bring you my “ideal” resume, obviously without all the fancy formatting that Word allows you to do.

    Biloxi Von Lutz
    XXXX XXX XXX Atlanta, GA – XXX-XXX-XXXX Biloxxi@gmail.com

    Objective:
    To get a job with your company. Why? Because A) I’m hungry, B) This job pays more than my current job, or C) this job pays the same and sucks less than my current job.

    Professional Experience:
    Papa John’s Pizza – Delivery driver and in-store do-boy – From one year in college to another year in college

    • Delivered pizza (it works exactly like you’d imagine)
    • Never got robbed
    • Occasionally answered the phone and purposely screwed up orders so I would no longer have to answer the phone.

    Achievements: Didn’t get fired and was widely regarded as the greatest pizza slicer east of the Mighty Mississippi

    XXXXXXXX Bar and Grill – Cook, Bartender, and occasional Waiter – My senior year of college

    • Cooked all manner of foods that you see at bars, plus I learned how to deep fry pickles.
    • Learned how to curse properly and drink like a man.
    • Became an accomplished dishwasher
    • Learned how to smoke cigarettes while cooking without getting ashes in food
    • Learned the proper method of bribing the health inspector.
    • Successfully learned dozens of drink recipes all involving vodka and some sort of red mixer
    • Learned to open beer bottles with my eye socket
    • Made many thousands of dollars selling alcohol to attractive underage girls.
    • Learned not to call phone numbers that girls give you while waiting tables.
    • Learned the proper method of separating two fighting females.

    Achievements: Never got arrested and managed to get my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend arrested, but then felt bad and paid his bail. (That shows mercy)

    XXXXXXX Tire and Martini Bar – whatever needs doing – From the time I could pick up a tire till now

    • Well, you need used tires for your brand new BMW, where else are you gonna get them?
    • Mounted and balanced the shit out of some tires.
    • Bullshitted with old timers about how tires used to only cost a nickel and they lasted forever.
    • Charged $5 to listen to how much cheaper, better, and faster everything is up north.

    Achievements: Just working at this place is an achievement. Don’t you dare question it.

    XXXXXXX Tire Co. – Tire Salesman – The three worst years of my life

    • Answered the phone, usually unprofessionally
    • Learned to get cussed at like a man
    • Drove a 26 foot box truck that I was in no way certified to drive
    • Semi-annually counted the 90,000 tires in the warehouse.
    • Surfed to the end of the internet then turned around and surfed back.

    Achievements:  Earned the prestigious Black Lung award from secondhand smoke (it’s like the Purple Heart for Tire Industry folks). Passed a piss-test with flying colors.

    Professional Certifications:

    • 1996 DeKalb County Spelling Bee Champion
    • Some online tests involving tires where I got free stuff for passing.

    Education:
    Georgia College & State University (Hail o’ beacon bright…)
    Milledgeville, GA 2001 – 2005
    Major:  Rock and Roll with a minor in Relationship Destruction

    Notable  Coursework Included:

    • How to Get a Girl and Subsequently Ruin It (REL 1102)
    • Why AC/DC is the Best Band Ever (ROC 1201)
    • The Importance of Alcohol in Female Wooing (REL/ALC 2401)
    • Why John Mayer Sucks (ROC 1101)
    • A Two-semester Long Simulation Called a “Relationship” (REL 3500)

    Academic Awards: President’s List, Multiple Dean’s List Honoree, Jagerman of the Month, August 2005

    Author’s Note: This is made up (mostly). Don’t take it too seriously.

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    Consequences and Repercussions


    2010 - 10.05

    What follows is a G-chat conversation between Woodshed Player Anna and I about Woodshed Player Bill. She was being lame and didn’t want to go out. I’ve corrected a couple of misspellings. My comments appear in brackets.

    Biloxxxi:
    so you goin to this Rocktoberfest thing tonight?

    Anna:
    i actually am going go up and see bill and watch him play tennis in the morning
    tell jenn hello for me.. although im sure i’ll see her

    Biloxxxi:
    ok
    That’s sweet
    watching bill play yuppie

    Anna:
    yeah
    you know my sweetheart.. from the richest city in the state… playing
    with the tennis club on saturdays!
    too bad he looks like a damn ragamuffin out there playing with high
    school sweats on!

    Biloxxxi:
    I figured y’all would want to come out here, since y’all will be
    married and living out in St. Ives [A really yuppie country club near where Bill’s parents live] in a couple years

    Anna:
    yeah yeah.. live it while we can?
    i am not living at st ives… ever.

    Biloxxxi:
    sure you’re not

    Anna:
    or any other suburb like that
    i dont want a nieghborhood surrounded by walls with an arbitrary name..
    i want a ‘hood!!

    Biloxxxi:
    bill ain’t

    Anna:
    aint what? livin in the ‘hood?
    he will…

    Biloxxxi:
    what’s the ‘ for before hood?

    Anna:
    um… neighborhood
    im cutting the nieghbor… therefore making it slang.. and added the ‘
    the show a cut of neighbor
    duh
    like Lil’
    ….. dont judge me.

    Biloxxxi:
    we’re all from a neighborhood, silly

    Anna:
    it’s da ‘hood

    biloxxxi:
    hood
    no ‘

    Anna:
    ‘hood
    suck it trebeck

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever

    Anna:
    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/%27hood

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever
    let’s consult the dictionary on slang

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHAHA

    Biloxxxi:
    I’m just saying

    Anna:
    it’s how i roll
    im gangsta like that

    Biloxxxi:
    you’re gonna be living in St. Ives
    chock full of babies

    Anna:
    NooooOOOOooo

    Biloxxxi:
    in like 2 years

    Anna:
    WTF Biloxi
    thats gross
    take back the baby thing.. gross..
    i wear mom shorts for my own pleasure and preference…
    it’s not forshadowing!!!!

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever
    I’ve seen how you girls
    are

    Anna:
    do tell.
    how are we?

    Biloxxxi:
    “ooooh ooooh, I wanna get married!”
    then once you accomplish that
    and move into St. Ives, you realize that the only thing to talk about
    with the other womenfolk is children

    Anna:
    did you meet me yesterday??

    Biloxxxi:
    because none of your previous friends will drive OTP [Outside The Perimeter, to the suburbs of Atlanta] t to visit

    Anna:
    that doesnt sounds like me!
    im perfectly content living alone in my pink apartment.

    Biloxxxi:
    so then you’re like “We need a kid, so I have something to talk about
    with the other women folk.”
    Oh whatever, you were trying to goatrope Bill into gettin married like
    6 weeks ago

    Anna:
    1) im not sure what goatrope means and 2) i was not.
    i trying to goatrope bill into not being a dick

    Biloxxxi:
    and then once you’ve got a kid, you’re like “Bill, we need a nice
    vehicle now that we have baby Frank.”

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Biloxxxi:
    so you make him sell his ferrari that he was finally able to afford
    after selling 37,000 hot line packages
    so you can have a nice Honda Odyssey to drag baby frank to and from
    polo practice

    Anna:
    I am dying lol

    Biloxxxi:
    meanwhile, he’s stuck with an f’ing Camry

    Anna:
    i actually think he wants a cmary!

    Biloxxxi:
    and then, because Frank gets upset everytime somebody cheers, you have
    to give up your season tickets in the Gold Section at the Tech games

    Anna:
    where do you get this shit form?!

    Biloxxxi:
    And even worse, you made Bill turn his man cave in the basement of
    your 5000 square foot home into a play room for Frank
    so he has to watch the Tech games in the kitchen on a 19″ TV because
    you have the living room TV hogged watching the God forsaken Lifetime
    Network
    “Oh my god, there’s a movie on starring Blossom about a woman who was
    done wrong by a man!”

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHA out of control lutz

    Biloxxxi:
    And all of this because you wanted to go watch Bill play tennis rather
    than have fun

    Anna:
    oh my god Biloxi
    i am sending this to you in an email for you book

    biloxxxi:
    Consequences and Repercussions

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