So there you are at Champ Sports, looking to get some new shoes for the summer. These aren’t your typical flip-flops. Naw, these are your kicks, man. You’ve gotta have the latest Nikes or Adidas, whichever fits your style the best.But theres a problem. You’ve only got $60 in your wallet. Definitely not enough to pick up the new Lebron James jump-higher-run-faster b-ball shoes. So you wander on over to the clearance section, hoping they’ve got some cool leftovers from last year, but alas, it’s not to be. Just then a big guy in a trench coat and those sweet zebra striped pants from the 80’s walks up, and recognizing your predicament, tells you about this place down by the Snatch ‘N Grab called Zapatos Latino where they sell last year’s kicks, certified pre-owned. After grazing through the shoe aisle one more time, you decide to hit up this joint down the street. 20 minutes and $20 later, you’re out with a sweet pair of previously owned Nibs (New Balance) with some heel wear and minimal odor.
Fast forward a couple of hours: You’re gettin ready to head out on the town with your beanhead when all of sudden you kinda stub your foot on the concrete. “Oh Shit!” you exclaim. The whole heel of your shoe has separated from the sole. You blew out your kicks! Back inside you wander, to slide back into those skanky looking shoes you’ve been wearing for the last 3 years. Now you know why you’re dating that whore. You’re ass was too cheap to buy some new damn shoes. You settled, Man, and they saw you coming a mile away.
The point of this fable was to make you realize how ridiculous the idea of used shoes sounds. Nobody buys used shoes. Unless you’re really hard up and in which case, you should not have the internet to look at this. You can go to Wal-Mart and buy shoes for $20 bucks. (Hell, that’s where my work shoes came from and they’ve lasted through 6 months of hard abuse.) If you don’t buy used shoes, why the hell would you buy used tires? You’re car is infinitely more important to your safety than a pair of shoes, not to mention the safety of those around you. Think about this the next time you’re traveling down the freeway: See that car next to you going 80 MPH? Now, imagine that tire has the steel belts showing in it. Then imagine that tire coming apart and that car swerving into you. I see those tires everyday. That shit happens and people just come back and buy another one. There are occasions where used tires are acceptable, but it ain’t now. We’re talking about career used tire shoppers here.
Below is the weekly budget of a used tire customer that we found in the parking lot at the tire store. I’ve written in the left margin to make it a bit clearer what some of the things listed are. At least rent is at the top. Oh and one other thing, if you have to budget for weed, you probably don’t need to be smoking it. That’s kind of when it becomes part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I like how the liquor allowance is twice the tire allowance. That, my friends, is why only new tire customers should be allowed to vote. Priorities.