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    A Wedding Fit for Princes of the Universe


    2011 - 11.28

    “Here we are, born to be kings
    We’re the princes of the universe…”
    QueenPrinces of the Universe 

    If my calculations are correct, I’ve been in ten weddings. Ten. That’s pretty much all the credentials I need to be the romantic interest in the next Katherine Heigl straight-to-video Rom-Com. I could at least give Seth Rogen a run for his money in the Knocked Up sequel, Knocked Up 2: Single Mom Raising a Kid in LA on TMZ Reporter’s Salary.

    Before you get the idea that I’m bitching, let me preface this by saying that I love being in weddings. Being a Groomsman is not nearly as stressful as being a Bridesmaid. You usher some folks in, you stand in the front looking regal while no one pays a bit of attention to you, you get introduced at the reception with an attractive girl who everyone knows you have no chance with, you do some dancing, and you get liquored up. What’s not to like?

    The only real downside to the whole thing is the tuxedo. Unlike Bridesmaids dresses, we don’t buy them, we rent them. That might seem like an awesome idea until you realize that you’re paying $150 for something you’re gonna wear 5 or 6 hours at most. You can’t use it for a Halloween costume the next year or cut the sleeves off of it like Rick Vaughn for your next AMEX commercial. About the only cool thing you can do is send it back stinking of Jim Beam and bad decisions.

    I’ve been in ten weddings, so at an average cost of $150 for a tuxedo rental, that means I’ve spent $1500 on tuxes over the last couple of years. It was an honor to be in each of these weddings, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but my memory is long and that money ain’t gonna earn itself, as they say. The time is not yet here, since I have no bonnie lass to offer my hand to in the hopes that what God hath made no mortal may wash assunder, but alas, here is how I plan my revenge…

    My wedding will be more of an “event” rather than a simple ceremony. I intend on having a medieval theme of sorts, but nothing at all like the Renaissance Festival or one of those LARPer outings. Think Highlander mixed with “A Song of Ice and Fire” and a little bit of “Lord of the Rings” thrown in for good measure. This is a marriage of royalty, not a bunch of ingrates renting out Medieval Times for the renewal of their common-law marriage vows.

    A simple wedding that was a day’s drive from where most of my friends live would not suffice at all. No, indeed it would not. A wedding for those born to be kings has to be held in the land of kings, the United Kingdom. Dover, more specifically. It’s right there in the name; Kingdom. From King, the Latin word for “King” and Dom, the Latin word for “Land of.”

    The Groomsman, of which there will be 13, will be spending the day preceding the ceremony learning to ride horses and wield swords at a marginally functional level. These will be no ordinary ponies like you see at the petting zoo or those inbred quarter donkeys you go ride on in North Georgia that couldn’t buck a paraplegic if he sank a hot poker into its ass. No, these will be Destriers. Great beasts of war bred by the Gods of yore for the sole purpose of frightening the innocent and riding down those that dare question the supremacy of the rider upon its not inconsiderable back. In essence, the small-block Chevy of its time. I expect a few broken bones.

    The rehearsal will be held at the training grounds where handlers will be on hand to help keep the horses calm and so as not to give away the beauty of the actual ceremony location. It should be just as magnificent to the Bridal (Groomal?) Party on the day of the ceremony as it is to all guests.

    The rehearsal dinner will be held on board my yacht (that I hope to own within the next couple of years), the U.S.S. Possumbane, a converted Galleon from the Colonial Era. Entrees will include bacon wrapped oysters, prime rib, lobster tails, and Publix Brand Pizza Rolls. I plan at least three varieties of homemade mac and cheese in addition. Vegetarian fare will be available as well, although I cannot guarantee its edibility or freshness.

    At the rehearsal dinner, all will be invited to share toasts and or stories of times gone by that pertain to me and and my betrothed. Many vintage libations will be available for consumption, so please try to keep it between the ditches until you’ve shared your toast. I know my soon-to-be wife is hot. You don’t have to remind me in the least respectable way possible by letting those in attendance know you’d smang it Tarantino, from dusk till dawn.

    After the rehearsal, members of the Bridal Party will be escorted back to Dover Castle for a sleepless night fraught with ghosts and waking nightmares of charging Destriers. The Bride’s parents will be escorted back to their rooms in Canterbury Castle (XOXO – Biloxxxi).

    On the morning of the wedding, each Groomsman will be attended to by a Squire who will help them don their boiled leather and light suit of armor, which they will be required to rent. I’ll provide each Groomsman with a customized helm and great sword or battle ax as gifts.

    The ceremony itself will be held on the White Cliffs of Dover and presided over by the Honorable William James Robert Peel, the 3rd Earl Peel, and Lord Chamberlain of the Household. For the uninitiated, he’s married to Winston Churchill’s granddaughter.

    White Cliffs of Dover

    The Groomsman will each ride to the altar on their respective Destriers whilst the incomparable Eric Johnson play Cliffs of Dover as they enter. A stable hand will be in attendance to help each Groomsman dismount and lead the horse to the tie-up point to the left of the altar. All horses will be equipped with those handy poop bags that are so eloquently referred to as “Horse Diapers” so as to prevent any unfortunate incidences during the ceremony.

     The Bridesmaids will then walk to the altar to whatever song the bride chooses as long as it’s sung by the girl at 0:22 in this video.

    That’s Roman’s younger brother’s girlfriend and she can sing. And I don’t mean sing as in she can sing “Highway to Hell” just like Bon Scott. I mean like actual, for real, “Holy shit, I just chose the right chalice to drink out of at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and God has sent this awesome voice to carry me on to eternal life” singing. Seriously, she’s good. She sang the Lord’s Prayer at Roman’s wedding and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

    I myself will then ride to the altar on my black Steed of War, Pestilence. A massive Clydesdale bred in the Blue Grass of Kentucky. I will dismount and my Squire will present me with my wedding cloak. A black and gold cloak with the Von Lutz family coat of arms on the back fringed in the fur of a black bear.

    Rather than lighting a unity candle, I’d like to light a rope that burned slowly up and over the audience, so that right as the ceremony was ending it would let the hammer of the bells loose and the bells would start chiming. And yes, before you start asking, I am trucking the Liberty Bell in from Philly for the occasion. You can’t say you spared no expense without trucking in the Liberty Bell.

    The ring will be brought forth by a child dressed in a magnificent golden suit of armor riding a Shetland Pony. He’ll remain mounted throughout the ceremony and will lead my bride and I out at the end of the ceremony. Sort of a drum major type role, if you will.

    As far as vows go, I was tempted to borrow from Ricky’s vows from The Trailer Park Boys

    I Richard, promise to love and to not break the law as much as I used to. I promise to be a good father to my child and to not swear any more or as much as I do in public places and I promise to love you as much as I can and as often as I can under the circumstances…

    But I thought better of it, given the classy, biblical nature of the wedding thus far. I’m gonna keep that portion of the ceremony between myself and my future ex-wife for the time-being.

    After the exchange of vows, the bride and groom (me, in case you haven’t been paying attention thus far) will remain at the altar until all the other members of the wedding party have retreated down the aisle, unlike most weddings. The Groomsmen and Bridesmaids will pair up and ride out on the groomsmen’s respective horses. Once behind the audience, the horses will stop and the Groomsmen will raise their swords to the sky. the Bride and Groom will ride betwixt them and gallop off into the sunset… only to reemerge 20 minutes later at the reception.

    The reception will be held in a huge tent, henceforth referred to as the King’s Tent, heated with braziers on the grounds of Dover Castle, but before the reception, the guests will be seated in a small arena erected on the grounds. The wedding party will be introduced to the audience at this point. The introductions will be made with Queen featuring Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden on vocals playing Princes of the Universe.

     After the introductions are made, a tournament will be held in honor of the wedding day. Jousting seems kind of stupid to me so there will be none of that. There will be a horse racing tournament held between the Groomsmen and some select guests. Other guests are welcome to bet on the outcome and a Las Vegas bookie who attended the previous day’s training will be present to set the handicap for the riders.

    There will also be a melee where the Groomsmen and select guests will fight until surrender or victory. This will follow Royal Rumble rules where if you’re thrown from the melee area, you are eliminated, but can come back one additional time later in the contest. The winners of these contests will receive the ultimate honor of sitting at the table with the bride and groom and getting a dance dedicated to them with their lady or wench of choice. Bets are welcome during this event as well. (Brief Note: In the unlikely event of a kidnapping of the groom, winnings will be confiscated to pay for his ransom.)

    After the tournament, dinner will be served in the King’s Tent. Guests will be served by a dedicated wait staff, each hired specifically for this wedding. It will be the ultimate honor within their industries. They will from that day forth speak of it as if it were the “Fuckin Catalina Wine Mixer.”

    The meal itself will be 30 courses; one for each member of the wedding party plus an appetizer course and a salad course. Whole cooked animals will be brought forth so guests may decide for themselves which cut of meat they prefer. The 27th course is mine, and in a nod to my best man, the Most Interesting Man in the World, it will be a turkey shoved inside a duck, shoved inside a chicken, then shoved back inside the original turkey.

    There will be an open bar and getting excessively drunk is encouraged. Once again, this is a classy wedding and the goblets are made from silver and the finest Czechoslovakian lead shot crystal and will knock your ass out cold if you’re hit with one, so please avoid throwing them and using them as weaponry.

    Dancing will not begin until the crowd is sufficiently wined and dined. There will be no waiting around for the drinks to kick in before the dancing starts. I’ll not have my best songs wasted on a bunch of wallriders.

    The first dance will be Something by the Beatles performed live on a grand piano with genuine blood ivory keys by Andrew Cooper. He’s taken an already great love song and injected way more meaning into it by transposing it for the piano.

    There will be a Father-Daughter dance and a Mother-Son dance as per usual U.S. custom, then the winners of the melee and the steed race will each have a dance dedicated to them. After these dances, the floor will be opened to everyone and the music selection will ensure that every person in attendance dances their asses off.

    When all the dances have been danced and all the toasts toasted, the Bride and Groom will be prepare for “The Bedding.” I stole this one straight out of “A Song of Ice and Fire.”

    In “The Bedding” the women carry the Groom up to the marriage bed on their shoulders, all the while joking with him and making fun of his angry Irish inch, amongst other japes. The men do the same thing for the Bride. It’s all in good fun and makes light of what everyone knows is about to happen once the Bride and Groom leave the reception; A proper doin’ is about to take place.

    Hopefully a gloriously epic destination wedding such as this will allow me to get even with all my best friends for the financial burden over the years, but still be awesome enough to totally make up for it. Except for the guy that loses a digit or two during the melee. Things are gonna be touch and go for him for awhile after that.

    I leave you with a selection of lyrics from one of my favorite songs that I think sums up my wedding plans quite nicely:

    Yes there were times, I’m sure you knew,
    When I bit off more than I could chew.
    But through it all when there was doubt
    I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all
    And I stood tall and did it my way…

    My Way – as performed by Elvis Presley

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    If Resumes Told the Truth


    2010 - 10.14

    Resume preparation sucks. You know it and I know it. But it’s a necessary evil if you want gainful employment. A few months back, I wrote my “ideal” cover letter with what I wish I could say on it. Today I bring you my “ideal” resume, obviously without all the fancy formatting that Word allows you to do.

    Biloxi Von Lutz
    XXXX XXX XXX Atlanta, GA – XXX-XXX-XXXX Biloxxi@gmail.com

    Objective:
    To get a job with your company. Why? Because A) I’m hungry, B) This job pays more than my current job, or C) this job pays the same and sucks less than my current job.

    Professional Experience:
    Papa John’s Pizza – Delivery driver and in-store do-boy – From one year in college to another year in college

    • Delivered pizza (it works exactly like you’d imagine)
    • Never got robbed
    • Occasionally answered the phone and purposely screwed up orders so I would no longer have to answer the phone.

    Achievements: Didn’t get fired and was widely regarded as the greatest pizza slicer east of the Mighty Mississippi

    XXXXXXXX Bar and Grill – Cook, Bartender, and occasional Waiter – My senior year of college

    • Cooked all manner of foods that you see at bars, plus I learned how to deep fry pickles.
    • Learned how to curse properly and drink like a man.
    • Became an accomplished dishwasher
    • Learned how to smoke cigarettes while cooking without getting ashes in food
    • Learned the proper method of bribing the health inspector.
    • Successfully learned dozens of drink recipes all involving vodka and some sort of red mixer
    • Learned to open beer bottles with my eye socket
    • Made many thousands of dollars selling alcohol to attractive underage girls.
    • Learned not to call phone numbers that girls give you while waiting tables.
    • Learned the proper method of separating two fighting females.

    Achievements: Never got arrested and managed to get my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend arrested, but then felt bad and paid his bail. (That shows mercy)

    XXXXXXX Tire and Martini Bar – whatever needs doing – From the time I could pick up a tire till now

    • Well, you need used tires for your brand new BMW, where else are you gonna get them?
    • Mounted and balanced the shit out of some tires.
    • Bullshitted with old timers about how tires used to only cost a nickel and they lasted forever.
    • Charged $5 to listen to how much cheaper, better, and faster everything is up north.

    Achievements: Just working at this place is an achievement. Don’t you dare question it.

    XXXXXXX Tire Co. – Tire Salesman – The three worst years of my life

    • Answered the phone, usually unprofessionally
    • Learned to get cussed at like a man
    • Drove a 26 foot box truck that I was in no way certified to drive
    • Semi-annually counted the 90,000 tires in the warehouse.
    • Surfed to the end of the internet then turned around and surfed back.

    Achievements:  Earned the prestigious Black Lung award from secondhand smoke (it’s like the Purple Heart for Tire Industry folks). Passed a piss-test with flying colors.

    Professional Certifications:

    • 1996 DeKalb County Spelling Bee Champion
    • Some online tests involving tires where I got free stuff for passing.

    Education:
    Georgia College & State University (Hail o’ beacon bright…)
    Milledgeville, GA 2001 – 2005
    Major:  Rock and Roll with a minor in Relationship Destruction

    Notable  Coursework Included:

    • How to Get a Girl and Subsequently Ruin It (REL 1102)
    • Why AC/DC is the Best Band Ever (ROC 1201)
    • The Importance of Alcohol in Female Wooing (REL/ALC 2401)
    • Why John Mayer Sucks (ROC 1101)
    • A Two-semester Long Simulation Called a “Relationship” (REL 3500)

    Academic Awards: President’s List, Multiple Dean’s List Honoree, Jagerman of the Month, August 2005

    Author’s Note: This is made up (mostly). Don’t take it too seriously.

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    Consequences and Repercussions


    2010 - 10.05

    What follows is a G-chat conversation between Woodshed Player Anna and I about Woodshed Player Bill. She was being lame and didn’t want to go out. I’ve corrected a couple of misspellings. My comments appear in brackets.

    Biloxxxi:
    so you goin to this Rocktoberfest thing tonight?

    Anna:
    i actually am going go up and see bill and watch him play tennis in the morning
    tell jenn hello for me.. although im sure i’ll see her

    Biloxxxi:
    ok
    That’s sweet
    watching bill play yuppie

    Anna:
    yeah
    you know my sweetheart.. from the richest city in the state… playing
    with the tennis club on saturdays!
    too bad he looks like a damn ragamuffin out there playing with high
    school sweats on!

    Biloxxxi:
    I figured y’all would want to come out here, since y’all will be
    married and living out in St. Ives [A really yuppie country club near where Bill’s parents live] in a couple years

    Anna:
    yeah yeah.. live it while we can?
    i am not living at st ives… ever.

    Biloxxxi:
    sure you’re not

    Anna:
    or any other suburb like that
    i dont want a nieghborhood surrounded by walls with an arbitrary name..
    i want a ‘hood!!

    Biloxxxi:
    bill ain’t

    Anna:
    aint what? livin in the ‘hood?
    he will…

    Biloxxxi:
    what’s the ‘ for before hood?

    Anna:
    um… neighborhood
    im cutting the nieghbor… therefore making it slang.. and added the ‘
    the show a cut of neighbor
    duh
    like Lil’
    ….. dont judge me.

    Biloxxxi:
    we’re all from a neighborhood, silly

    Anna:
    it’s da ‘hood

    biloxxxi:
    hood
    no ‘

    Anna:
    ‘hood
    suck it trebeck

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever

    Anna:
    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/%27hood

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever
    let’s consult the dictionary on slang

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHAHA

    Biloxxxi:
    I’m just saying

    Anna:
    it’s how i roll
    im gangsta like that

    Biloxxxi:
    you’re gonna be living in St. Ives
    chock full of babies

    Anna:
    NooooOOOOooo

    Biloxxxi:
    in like 2 years

    Anna:
    WTF Biloxi
    thats gross
    take back the baby thing.. gross..
    i wear mom shorts for my own pleasure and preference…
    it’s not forshadowing!!!!

    Biloxxxi:
    whatever
    I’ve seen how you girls
    are

    Anna:
    do tell.
    how are we?

    Biloxxxi:
    “ooooh ooooh, I wanna get married!”
    then once you accomplish that
    and move into St. Ives, you realize that the only thing to talk about
    with the other womenfolk is children

    Anna:
    did you meet me yesterday??

    Biloxxxi:
    because none of your previous friends will drive OTP [Outside The Perimeter, to the suburbs of Atlanta] t to visit

    Anna:
    that doesnt sounds like me!
    im perfectly content living alone in my pink apartment.

    Biloxxxi:
    so then you’re like “We need a kid, so I have something to talk about
    with the other women folk.”
    Oh whatever, you were trying to goatrope Bill into gettin married like
    6 weeks ago

    Anna:
    1) im not sure what goatrope means and 2) i was not.
    i trying to goatrope bill into not being a dick

    Biloxxxi:
    and then once you’ve got a kid, you’re like “Bill, we need a nice
    vehicle now that we have baby Frank.”

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Biloxxxi:
    so you make him sell his ferrari that he was finally able to afford
    after selling 37,000 hot line packages
    so you can have a nice Honda Odyssey to drag baby frank to and from
    polo practice

    Anna:
    I am dying lol

    Biloxxxi:
    meanwhile, he’s stuck with an f’ing Camry

    Anna:
    i actually think he wants a cmary!

    Biloxxxi:
    and then, because Frank gets upset everytime somebody cheers, you have
    to give up your season tickets in the Gold Section at the Tech games

    Anna:
    where do you get this shit form?!

    Biloxxxi:
    And even worse, you made Bill turn his man cave in the basement of
    your 5000 square foot home into a play room for Frank
    so he has to watch the Tech games in the kitchen on a 19″ TV because
    you have the living room TV hogged watching the God forsaken Lifetime
    Network
    “Oh my god, there’s a movie on starring Blossom about a woman who was
    done wrong by a man!”

    Anna:
    HAHAHAHA out of control lutz

    Biloxxxi:
    And all of this because you wanted to go watch Bill play tennis rather
    than have fun

    Anna:
    oh my god Biloxi
    i am sending this to you in an email for you book

    biloxxxi:
    Consequences and Repercussions

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    History 1101: The Iron Maiden Way


    2010 - 04.21

    There you are, a sophomore in college, staring dully at another of those holier than thou liberal arts teachers trying to convince you that the eating habits of the indigenous peoples of Micronesia actually have a relevant role in your education when a thought crosses your mind. “I just want to be a freakin modern history major. Is this really the best way to go about doing it?”

    In a word, no. It’s a pretty shitty way of going about getting an education. It’s time consuming and mostly useless. Fortunately, I’ve got the perfect solution for your predicament. Without any further ado, I introduce to you History 1101: The Iron Maiden Way!

    Iron Maiden is not your run-of-the-mill metal band. They’re actually pretty intelligent. Bruce Dickinson, their lead singer, is an airline pilot and he flies their chartered jet whenever they go on tour. That’s hardcore legit. The majority of their popular songs are either about a work of literature or some event in history. Basically, you listen to one of their songs and then read the corresponding Wikipedia article, and instantly you have a working knowledge of some event in history. You can’t buy a better mnemonic. Let’s look at some examples…

    Murders in the Rue MorgueFrom the Killers album (1981)
    This is an early song by the band and is based on the short story of the same name by Edgar Allen Poe. It features the original lead singer of the band, Paul Di’Anno, rather than Bruce Dickinson. It’s not the most literal of translations from the story, but you get the gist. There’s a reason Dickinson joined the band and remained for 20 years; he’s a far better lyricist and singer.

    The Number of the Beast – From The Number of the Beast album (1982)
    Like several other early Maiden songs, this one was misinterpreted and thusly, some labeled the band as “Satanic.” (Much like everything else in the early 80’s.) I assure you, they’re not satanic. The song was written after the bass player, Steve Harris, had a nightmare after watching Damien: Omen II late one night. The storyline follows that of the classic poem Tam o’ Shanter by Robert Burns. A comparison of the lyrics and the poem show striking similarities. This is one kick ass song.

    Run to the Hills – From The Number of the Beast album (1982)
    Twice in my life I’ve heard this described as the “most offensive song ever” usually because of these lines:

    White man came across the sea,
    He brought us pain and misery.
    He killed our tribes, he killed our creed,
    He took our game for his own means.

    and

    Soldier Blue in the barren wastes,
    Hunting and killing’s a game.
    Raping the women and wasting the men,
    “The only good ‘Injuns’ are tame.”

    The song follows the battle between the Native Americans and the Cavalry during the Sioux Wars. It’s written from the points of view of both sides, but essentially the message is that the Cavalry slaughtered the Native Americans needlessly. It’s easy to misconstrue this with a cursory listen to the lyrics, but a more thorough review reveals that the song is not nearly as politically incorrect as at first glance.

    Quick aside: I almost got beat up for singing this song one time at a karaoke bar by two guys who earlier in the evening were rapping to a Juvenile song. Tell me, which is more offensive?

    Where Eagles Dare from the Piece of Mind album (1983)
    This song is based on the 1968 film of the same name. It’s a WWII action-adventure spy film starring Clint Eastwood. I’ve actually seen it, it’s pretty good. Check it out on Netflix or something.

    The Trooper from the Piece of Mind album (1983)
    The Trooper is based on the Lord Tennyson poem, The Charge of the Light Brigade. It’s about the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War and written from the viewpoint of the slain soldiers. This is really the only song of theirs to ever get a lot of airplay, and it’s one of my favorites.

    Aces High from the Powerslave album (1984)
    Yet another song written by Steve Harris, Aces High tells the story of a dogfight between the British RAF and the German Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain in 1940. Also, here’s a bit of trivia: The chorus contains an antimetabole. See if you can figure out what it is.

    Rime of the Ancient Mariner (Part 1 Part 2)from the Powerslave album (1984)
    Finally, we’ve reached my favorite song. In case you can’t tell from the name, Rime of the Ancient Mariner is based upon Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem of the same name. It very closely follows the text of the poem and contains two direct passages from it:

    Day after day, day after day,
    we stuck nor breath nor motion,
    as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.
    Water, water everywhere and,
    all the boards did shrink.
    Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink.

    and

    One after one by the star dogged moon,
    too quick for groan or sigh.
    Each turned his face with a ghastly pang,
    and cursed me with his eye.
    Four times fifty living men,
    (and I heard nor sigh nor groan)
    with heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
    they dropped down one by one.

    This song is epic. I will not count your life as a success until you know verily, the dread of the Albatross…

    Montsegur from the Dance of Death album (2003)
    After a few years with a different lead singer and some mostly pointless experimentation albums, Iron Maiden returned to form with 2000’s A Brave New World. In 2003, however, they got back to their historical songwriting roots with the Dance of Death album.

    Montsegur was written after Bruce Dickinson visited Montsegur, sight of the Cathars last stronghold during the Albigensian Crusade in 1244. Rather than being a direct tale of the event, the song is written as a modern day tale with flashbacks to the history of the fort. The song also makes mention of the Knights Templar, based on a supposed connection with the Cathars.

    Paschendale from the Dance of Death album (2003)
    Paschendale is about the Battle of Paschendale during WWI. It’s good. Listen to it and read the Wikipedia article. That’s how knowledge happens.

    The Longest Day from the A Matter of Life and Death album (2006)
    This song is often considered a sequel to Paschendale. It’s about being a soldier during Operation Overlord on D-Day during the Battle of Normandy in WWII. the song received a lot of critical acclaim and was described by one critic as “brutal.” Not bad for a bunch of 50 year olds.

    There are a lot more songs I could have written about, but I tried to hit the high points of their most popular songs. You could literally write a book on the subject matter of Iron Maiden songs, and perhaps one day I will. The fact remains that I wish my History or Classic Lit professors had just handed me a couple of Maiden albums and told me to go drink beer and listen, then return with a paper in a month, because that’s essentially what I do now. Up the Irons!

    I've got shoes with this picture on the side

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    What have I been up to? Mostly BS…


    2010 - 04.15

    Well, it’s been a week or so since I last posted. Since then, Google Adsense deleted my account, taking with it roughly $160. That discouraged me for a few days. They said it was “fraudulent.” I don’t really have any control over what they said was fraudulent, but whatever. I’ve switched to a new ad company. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to polish my writing resume a bit by writing some new articles for Helium.com. Mostly, I just tried to write about subjects no one had written about yet. Take a gander if interested…

    How to bring a garden into your loft or apartment
    Starting even a small garden in your apartment can add character and make the space more enjoyable. There are a multitude of options for almost any sized apartment, whether you want some thing small like a few flowers or a herb garden to something larger like a tomato plants or fern.
    Read more…

    The difference between grilling and barbecuing
    Although you’ll often hear the two terms used interchangeably, grilling and barbecuing are two entirely different forms of cooking. Typically, people who say that they are “barbecuing” mean that they are grilling, they’re just misinformed. Grilling involves cooking directly over an open flame, whereas barbecuing typically involves meat being smoked for an extended period of time.
    Read more…

    The best tailgating games
    Tailgating before a sporting event has become a ritual almost as big as the game itself to many fans. People arrive many hours before the game to get the best spots. They set up grills, tents and sometimes even TVs to prepare for the event. It’s a social spectacle unto itself, but no tailgating experience is complete without some sort of game to play to pass the time.
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    How to keep a keg cold
    No backyard party is complete without some cold adult beverages. If you have a large number of guests attending, a keg of beer may be your best option. Kegs are more economical on a per ounce basis and are often fresher than their bottled counterparts. The major drawback of kegs is their sheer size and keeping all that beer cold.
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    How to play Cornhole
    Cornhole, also known as Bag Toss, is currently one of the most popular backyard or tailgating games. It’s appeal is wide-ranging. Almost anyone can play and the necessary pieces are easy to make. All that’s required are two platforms, four feet long by two feet wide with a six-inch hole cut near the top. The platforms are inclined with the rear of the platform 12 inches off the ground. Six six-inch square beanbags are also required.
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    Disc selection: How to choose the correct disc in frisbee golf
    Choosing the proper disc to use in Disc Golf is just as important as choosing the proper club in regular golf. Just like in real golf, each disc is designed to be used in a particular circumstance. In most circumstances, you’ll use one of three discs, a driver disc, a mid-range disc, or a putter disc. Each has a different shape and requires a slightly different throwing technique, but all are eight to nine inches in diameter and weigh between 150 and 180 grams.
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    Tips for throwing sidearm in disc golf
    Imagine you are in a heated game of disc golf. You’ve just thrown a great drive from the tee. It sails straight and true, but it bounces off a tree in the fairway and comes to rest directly behind it. You’re close enough to the basket that you might be able to hit it from that distance if that tree weren’t in the way. A normal backhand throw is going to require an additional throw to get around the tree. But what if you could lean around it and throw sidearm?
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    What is the hammer throw in disc golf?
    The hammer throw, also known as the tomahawk or pan toss, is a type of specialty throw rarely used in disc golf. It does have it’s uses, however. It’s typically only used when the course is very short or the player lacks a decent short game. It’s also useful when a player has to navigate over an obstacle, such as bushes or shorter trees, in the course.
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