Biloxxxi's Woodshed

This is my 100th post here on biloxxxi.com. I haven’t quite been doing this for a year yet, but it’s been a hell of an adventure. I got nominated for Best of Atlanta (but lost to some cupcake blog) , I’ve honed my writing skills quite a bit, and I’ve made some jingle. In honor of the past 100 posts, I’d like to share what I think are some of my Greatest Hits, in chronological order.

1) You’re Colonoscopy Just Isn’t Funny - Read about the time a girl described her colonoscopy to me. Not one of my fondest memories.

2) Who Knew Tequila Could Be This Much Fun? – Me and Bill get in a car wreck on the way to the bar and hilarity ensues. One of my favorite stories.

3) The 2nd Most Embarrassing Story Ever – I think this is some of my best work. Probably not my finest hour though.

4) We Started One-Letter Rappin and That’s How it Happened - Even after seeing Jenna do this multiple times, it’s still amazing to me. I’ve actually got a video of her rapping I need to upload. It’s pretty F’n cool.

5) Hang On Goose, We’re Going Down – A continuation of the One-Letter Rappin evening. This was one of those legendary weekends where way too much is never enough.

6) Nice Guys Better Be Built For Speed – Further proving that no good deed goes unpunished, I meet a girl at the bar, and then meet her parents on the walk home.

7) Dia De Los Muertas – Dead bodies, golf tournaments, and gawking onlookers. This one has it all…

8 ) Grammar? I Don’t Even Know Her… - I bitch about grammar. One of my more popular posts.

9) I Would Do Anything For Love… - A classic post from my original blog. Still funny as hell though.

10) The Legend of Biloxxxi – The story of how I acquired my name.

11) Either Urine or You’re Out – I catch Roman pissing in my living room and he denies it.

12) Dating: Shoot Me in the Face Style – Episode one of my previous dating chronicles.

13) Dating: The Kiss of Death – What’s this? A dating story with a happy ending? Episode two of the Dating Trilogy. This one actually got me a comment on Facebook from the girl involved.

14) Dating: A Fiery DUI Wreck – The last in the trilogy. Originally there was supposed to be one more. Maybe I’ll write it. Maybe I won’t…

15) El Chup 1, Harley 0 – Essentially, I drive to Milledgeville and wind up sleeping in the cab of my truck.

16) The Parable of the Obama Bumper Sticker - Probably my favorite of the “Treatises on Life” category. Just so you know, that’s where I try to educate you on something in my own special way. This one deals with how Obama Bumper Stickers ruined the economy.

17) The Continued Adventures of Bullet Bob – My favorite of the Bullet Bob adventures. Perhaps I’ll do a few more of these in the future.

18) Alec Baldwin’s Gargantuan Cranium – Far and away my most popular post. This one chronicles the ridiculous expansion of Alec Baldwin’s head through the years.

19) Who’s the Better Boxer, Mike Tyson or Rocky Balboa? - Another of my most popular posts. Pretty self explanatory.

20) Life Lesson #137 – The reason why I don’t wear my Gamecocks t-shirt anymore.

21) If I Were the Marketing Director at RJ Reynolds – I thought this was one of my more brilliant pieces. Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed it didn’t get more play.

22) How to Win a Bet: The Story of Africa – I think this article was the most fun to write. It traces the origin of the Toto song, Africa. Mostly true.

23) Terrible Christmas Songs Part C: Last Christmas - This is part 3 of my 4 part series on Christmas songs I hate. This edition is about Wham’s Last Christmas, a completely shitty Christmas tune.

24) The Case for Santa Claus – One of the happier moments of my childhood. No matter how the Democrats try, they can’t tax that.

25) Cover F’n Letter – I wrote this in about half an hour and it’s quickly becoming one of my favorites. I’ve actually used a version of this cover letter twice, but I’ve yet to hear anything back. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I enjoyed this jog down memory lane. I don’t pay much attention to things after I write them unless someone comments on them. Hopefully, some of my newer readers will catch something they’ve missed and some of the older ones can relive past glories. Thanks for reading and here’s to another successful year of biloxxxi.com!

Sometimes you come across something that just utterly astounds you. Today is one of those days. If I was to stand here and tell you, straight-faced and looking you in the eye, that there are four active oil wells in that bastion of uber-douchiness, Beverly Hills, CA, you’d smack me right square across the mouth for such blasphemy. Nonetheless, that’ s exactly what I’m here to tell you.

Here’s a link to the wikipedia article for more extensive reading, but here’s the quick rundown: The Beverly Hills Oil Field was discovered in 1900, it’s by no means huge, but it is one of the very few oil fields in a densely populated area. These wells were first activated around 1900 and today produce about a million barrels of oil a year. All the wells utilize side-drilling technology so they can capture oil from areas not directly beneath the well. This means that property owners in the surrounding vicinities get royalties from oil sales.

If the idea that there are oil wells in Beverly Hills isn’t mind boggling enough, here’s the kicker: one of these oil wells is located on the campus of Beverly Hills High School. This nets the school roughly $300,000 per year from royalties. If you’re unfamiliar with Beverly Hills High School, it’s famous for its “swim-gym,” a gym where the basketball court is movable to reveal a pool. It has also seen its fair share of famous students, such as Slash, Betty White (haha), Jamie Lee Curtis, and Lenny Kravitz, among others. Oh, and Nicolas Cage too. It was also featured in the greatest film (heavy sarcasm) of our generation, Clueless, starring Alicia Silverstone and our late, dead friend, Brittany Murphey.

Hint: For a less retarded experience, click on “View Larger Map.”
Anyway, here’s the Google Streetview of the BHHS Oil Well:

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Here’s the Streetview of the largest well:

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Here’s the Streetview of the smallest well:

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(It’s behind the trees, on the grounds of a country club.)

And finally, the Streetview of the remaining well.

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For good measure, here’s the location of a well abandoned in 1990 on an unused backlot of Twentieth Century Fox Studios:

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All these building are sound proof and have no windows, and if you drove past them, you’d be hard pressed to identify any of them as an oil well. If we can get away with drilling for oil in the middle of FREAKIN’ BEVERLY HILLS, someone please tell me why we can’t drill 30 miles off the Gulf Coast to help us become slightly more energy independent.

So like much of America, I hate my job. I’ve been applying to a good many positions, trying to get out of the tire business, but as you are well aware, the job market is sucking left hind tit. For each position you go through the typical motions; application, cover letter, resume. I’ve got my resume all dolled up. No typos, it’s all mostly true, and it sounds good. That’s pretty standard fare. The cover letter is where you get some freedom of expression. I’ve been doing it the so called “proper” way with little to no real results. It’s time for a new tactic. Below is my new and improved BVL Cover Letter

Biloxi Von Lutz – [insert contact info here]

[company name and address here]

Dear Hiring Manager,
The economic apocalypse is upon us.  The political landscape is tumultuous. Everywhere we turn we see unease. This is not the ideal climate to pursue a new career. It is, however, an incredibly opportune time for [insert company name here] to acquire an invaluable asset. More specifically, me.

My resume is included for your review, but although it contains my employment history, I don’t feel that it captures the true essence of my nature. One cannot simply write on a resume that they can do everything and expect to be believed. The vast majority of my work experience is in the tire industry due to the fact that I was essentially born into it. It is not the sole domain into which my skills lie. Ignore this at your organization’s own peril.

I would like to include a list of some of my more arcane skills, so as to convince you that I am utterly essential to the continued financial prosperity of your company.

• I have an amazingly large vocabulary. When measured in cubic feet, it is larger than most of your clients’ homes.
• I am built for speed. God (or Allah, praise him) designed me to get from point A to point B before you or anyone else. This is invaluable when there are deadlines to be met.
• I’m a non-smoker. This means lowered health insurance costs and no loss of productivity due to smoke breaks.
• I have an absolutely amazing head of hair. Studies show that men with full heads of hair live happier, more fulfilling lives, and make superior employees.
• I am not scared of heights. This enables me to change lightbulbs in a fraction of the time it takes my coworkers.
• I’m a white male. While this may not help you from an affirmative action standpoint, I’m far less likely to get arrested or get pregnant than other prospective employees.
• I can jump my leg. “What’s the point of this,” you ask? Primarily, it’s a cool skill. People with cool skills are much more likely to succeed as employees.

Based on my resume, and the reasons listed above, it would be devastatingly foolish to miss this opportunity to hire a delightful, engaging young man such as myself for the position of [insert desired position here].

Most faithfully and indomitably yours,
Biloxi Von Lutz

If this doesn’t get me hired, then nothing will.

I was thinking back the other day on just how much Facebook has become part of my life. I joined at some point near the beginning of 2005, so I’ve seen it’s evolution from a relatively simple platform into the monstrosity that it is today. It’s gotten to the point where I’m amazed when I meet someone who doesn’t have an account. Of all the advancements and additions to Facebook over the years, the Status Update is probably the most significant, and also the most misused. Today, I’m going to teach you how to construct a successful Facebook Status Update.

First, we need to get a couple of ground rules laid down…
1. Facebook is not Twitter. Do not treat it as such. I.e. No constant stream of thought updates.
2. You’re given a virtually unlimited amount of characters to type, don’t use text-message speak. It makes you look like an idiot.
3. Although eloquence is typically a positive, it’s far more beneficial to be blunt and correct than eloquent and wrong. Unless you’re a politician, verbiage doesn’t make up for dumbass.

We also need to define a successful Status Update. I consider a successful Status Update to be one that people either “like” or comment on, preferably more than one person. Let’s not kid ourselves, there’s a certain element of vanity that goes into Facebook. You want to portray yourself in the best light and attract people to post new and exciting things on your wall. Maybe even comment on a few of your pics. Facebook friends are made outside of Facebook, but Facebook friendships are cultivated in the online arena, and the status update is your hoe for tending that garden.

Article 1: Know Your Target Audience
If  the majority of your Facebook friends are older adults, then a profanity laced tirade may not be the most appropriate tact. The same thing goes for your church-going friends. Write to your audience. Controversy works well, but avoid offending people.
Here’s an example from a Facebook friend of mine: “If you’re a Christian, you should not believe in Santa Claus.”
He’s a preacher, and I strongly disagreed with him, but he didn’t offend me. It also got a lot of responses from a lot of people. Good update.

Article 2: Originality is next to Godliness
If everyone else is saying, “OMFG! I can’t believe Michael Jackson is dead!” What are you adding to the conversation by saying the same thing? Nothing. Unless you’re the first one to post something like this, and believe me you’re not, it’s typically best just to avoid the situation. If you can somehow spin it and make it sound humorous, that’s fair game.
Example: “Insert cliche statement about Michael Jackson’s death here.”

Article 3: Telling People What You’re Doing
As I mentioned above, this type of thing is best suited for Twitter. Personally, I tend to hide folks that constantly do this. “I’m at the mall.” Who gives a shit if you’re at the mall? Certainly not me. Church it up a bit. Say, “I’m at the mall searching for the perfect Speedo to wear to @John Doe’s kid’s first birthday party.” See what I did there? I took a plain-Jane vanilla statement and put three distinct elements in it. Speedos; which are always funny, I included a friend; which typically is good for some cheap laughs, and little bit of creepiness with the whole idea of a Speedo at a child’s birthday party.

Article 4: Pose a Good Question to the Whole of Facebook
Got some burning question about why the world works the way it does? Ask Facebook! Nothing stirs the Facebook masses like a witty question.
Here’s an example I used the other day: “Why is every marginally decent country song on the radio immediately followed by a Rascal Flats song? Every time one of their songs gets played, the terrorists win.”
Stuff like that is always good for a few “likes” and it keeps you Facebook relevant. You might even get a Rascal Flats fan (if there are any) to comment on it. Then you’ve got a Status war going on, which is awesome.

Article 5: Point Out Flaws In Other Peoples’ Status Updates
This is one of my favorite things to do. It bugs the shit out of me when people say “John Doe is loving [insert random object here].” That whole “is loving” or “is hating” thing just bothers me. It just doesn’t sound right. Another thing that bothers me is the improper use of a vs. an. It’s “an apple” people, not “a apple.” Every now and then I’ll get fed up with everyone’s idiocy and make some huge rant Status Update. I can’t be bothered to dream one up at the moment, because rants are acts of passion and you can’t drum up passion at the whims of the fickle masses.

Article 6: Just Steal My Greatest Status Update Ever
“Biloxi Von Lutz is still winning the battle against obesity.”
I don’t know if this is irony or not, but it cracks me up, and that’s the most important element of a successful Facebook Status Update. Good day, that is all.

Okay, I’ll admit, I’ve yet to see Avatar. I’m not really the biggest fan of movie theaters and as far as I’m concerned, nothing will ever be nearly as epic as The Lord of the Rings trilogy. All the ridiculous controversy surrounding Avatar has me intrigued though, so I’ll probably end up going to see it in 3D. As a service to you, I’ve decided to compile all the complaints about Avatar that I’ve read. None of these are actually reviews of the movie. I.e. “It’s bad” or “It kicks ass.” Rather, they are bullshit complaints about it being “racist” or something of that manner.

Audiences experience ‘Avatar’ blues
This involves people feeling like their life has no purpose since it’s not as beautiful as the Avatar world of Pandora. Cry me a freakin’ river.

Is ‘Avatar’ Racist?
Racism is WAY overplayed nowadays. You used to know when something was racist, now everything is. Harden the fuck up, Stefan…

‘Avatar’: Fun Fantasy or Political Statement
Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb. Michael Moore’s movies are political statements. Not everything is a referendum on George Bush.

James Cameron Defends Avatar From Anti-Smoking Watchdog Group
So Sigourney Weaver smoked a cigarette in the movie. Naturally, people were outraged, because smoking is the 975th worst thing a child is gonna see in that movie theater. What about that fat tub-o-lard wolfing down a 3-gallon bucket of popcorn with “Juicy” written across the ass of her pants? Yeah, smoking’s way worse than that. Kudos to James Cameron for defending this.

Stop Avatar
Evidently, this group is pissed off because Avatar does not feature GLBT actors. (You can look up that term if you’re unsure about what it means. I don’t want the Google ads associated with it. Not my target demographic). This might indeed be a troll job, but if it is, it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever seen. Be sure to check out the comments section.

Although not technically a complaint…
This is pretty weird stuff. I’ll let you digest it for yourself, but first you’re gonna need a few words defined (thanks to wikipedia).

• Therian – A member of the contemporary subculture of Therianthropy.

• Therianthrope – refers to the metamorphosis of humans into other animals.

• Contherianthrope (from therianthropes.com) –  A therianthrope who’s animalistic side is so interwound into their human side the two are indistinguishable. A contherianthrope does not experience shifting but rather feels a constant presence of both animal and human sides at the same time. Contherianthropes have been described as finding it very natural to use both human conceptualization/logic and native animal emotion/instinct, jointly, as combined factors in decisionmaking, dynamically blending each to add richness and insight to the overall process

Hold on tight on this last one, it’s a word adventure into the deep, dark depths of the internets.