After a suggestion by Woodshed Player Shotgun Johnson, and in reference to this post where I said that the shower I took was one of my top 5, I’ve decided to share with you my other top showering moments. Here they are in no particular order:
1. We’ll go ahead and get this one out of the way. Obviously the one from this past weekend, when my pipes froze and I was filthy from work and it was balls ass cold outside. Read the whole story here.
2. Hiking in Yellowstone National Park – When I was 17 I went hiking in Yellowstone National Park with a few of my fellow Boy Scouts. We were way out in the middle of bear country where we had to tie our backpacks up in trees at night and make sure we didn’t have any candy or anything on us while sleeping. The worst part was we had to bathe in the creek before going to bed to get the food smell off.
I don’t know if you’ve ever jumped in the lake naked in the middle of the winter and every bit of genitalia you’ve ever owned disappears back up in you, but that’s what this is like. Even though it was in the early summer, that mountain water doesn’t warm up. It had to have been in the 40′s. Jumping in a freezing-ass cold creek is one thing. You dry off and warm back up eventually. But what really ruined this was the fact that it rained the whole time.
For three days, I never warmed up. It wasn’t freezing cold, maybe in the 50′s, it was just the fact that I couldn’t dry off at all. Finally, we made it back out of the woods and went back to the Air Force base where we were staying. I must have stood in the shower there for half an hour with the water as hot as it would go. It was awesome.
3. Run-in with a septic tank – My parents’ house still has a septic tank and in case you’re not familiar with them, after a number of years, they start causing some issues. Basically, everything you flush into the toilet goes into this big underground box in your backyard where bacteria break it down and it’s dispersed over time through lines running through your backyard. Poo is pretty fertile stuff so plants tend to gravitate towards it. Tree roots grow to the source of the nutrients and clog the septic lines and mess up all the works. This happens over time to almost every system, which is why most people get their lines and tank replaced every 15 or 20 years. My parents never did.
Throughout my high school years we’d have trouble with the toilets flushing every time we’d get a heavy rain. This was an inconvenience to say the least. Right after I graduated from college, they finally decided to do something about it. They had a guy come over and pump the septic tank out. This required about a week’s worth of work by my dad and I to bust up the concrete from the part of the patio that was covering it.
The guy came by and pumped all the spoo out of the sewey hole and it worked like a champ for about two or three weeks, then it was backing up again. I dug up the junction box to make sure that was clear, but it still didn’t fix the problem. We decided it must be the line between the house and the septic tank.
Dad and I busted the concrete between the house and the septic tank and I got out there and dug up the line. For some stupid reason, the pipe that runs between the main drain for the house (made of lead) and the septic tank (made of concrete) is made of terra cotta. After 30 years, these things have a tendency to deteriorate. That’s what happened here.
As I dug down to the level of the pipe, I discovered that it had become detached from the end of the septic tank and settled about 6 inches. This only left about 2 inches of room for the poo to run into the septic tank. I got the bright idea that I would lift the pipe back up and shove a brick underneath it to hold it in place until we could get a more permanent fix.
My mom was out there with me and she was talking to my dad on the phone, explaining what I was doing, while I was attempting to lift this pipe back into place. I was straddling the pipe and lifting it between my legs. I was bent real low so I didn’t hurt my back, and when I attempted to pull up on it, the pipe broke and shit-water ran all down my back and jeans.
I remember yelling out some obscenity and scrambling to get out of the hole as quickly as I could. I was stumbling over dirt and busted concrete and everything else, all while my mom nearly died of laughter. I immediately rain over to the hose and tried my best to wash the poo off. My mom came over and hosed me off while I danced in the yard like an idiot. After I got the loose stuff off, I went and hopped in the shower, washing every square inch with Gojo, that pumice stuff mechanics use to get off grease. Cleanliness never felt so good.
4. The Mud-Boggin contest - When I was a freshman in college I went to visit a friend that went to school at Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College (ABAC) in rural south Georgia. When you think of redneck, these guys are what comes to mind. As a member of the Dixie Mafia in high school, I had my overalls and my cowboy boots and hat for when the situation called for it, so I packed them up for the trip. On Saturday of my visit, we all decided to go to the Mud-Boggin contest in the next county.
For those of you unfamiliar, a mud-boggin contest consists of a 50 yard stretch of mud that jacked-up trucks try to slog through. Whoever makes it the furthest wins. There are different classes depending on the level of modifications to the truck.
This particular night, at intermission they had a foot-race through the mud. There was a $10 entry fee and the winner got $100. I’ve always been a pretty fast runner and I’m quick on my feet, so my friends paid my way in.
Now 50 yards may not seem like that far, but it’s a mile when you’re running through mud. The race started and I got a pretty good jump. I found sort of a high spot where I could get some decent footing and took off. It came down to me and one other guy who was on the same high spot in front of me. He tripped right as we were nearing the finish line and I ran right over his back to win the race and the $100 prize.
Obviously, after having run through 50 yards of mud barefooted, I’m filthy. Since I didn’t bring a change of clothes with me to the event, I had no choice but to hose myself off and dry out au natural. This made the ride back home a bit awkward. I couldn’t ride in anyone’s car wet and muddy, so I had to ride back to the school in the back of some guy’s truck. It was October and it was freezing.
We finally made it back to the school and my friends were nowhere to be found. So there I am wandering the grounds of the campus trying to figure out which dorm he lived in, when suddenly I have to pee. I find a good spot behind a tree and right as I’m revving up to full force stream, the security guard rolls around the corner and sees me.
“Hey!” He yells.
I immediately cut the stream off and commence to running. I’ve got no shoes on, my wallet and keys are in my friend’s car and the law is after me. After about ten minutes of evading the security guard, I see my friends rounding the corner in their car. At this point, I’m still wet, I’m freezing cold, I’m wearing freakin overalls with no t-shirt, and my feet are cut up from running on the pavement.This situation is totally tits.
It turns out, my friends stopped to help one of the other guys wash off his truck at the car wash, so I was just left stranded. All was forgiven after I got to wash the Georgia red clay out of my underoos in the shower. Oh, and I won $100. That totally made it worthwhile.
5. The shower head incident - I’m not really at liberty to describe this one, but it involved me kicking the shower head off the wall. Let’s just say it was awesome in that way that only certain things can be.
