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    Been Had Money: The Legend of Buda UPDATED

    2009 - 12.30

    The dude abides. By day, he flies around the world,  keeping the skies safe from nefarious Persians and unattractive stewardesses. By night he’s a fellow Wharf Rat who takes his meals in the form of Goldschlager and Irish Car Bombs, along with the occasional QuikTrip chili dog. All those things combine to form what is an exceedingly above average American, but yesterday Buda pulled off the ultimate coup; he coaxed his girlfriend into exercising at little expense to himself. Here’s how it went down:

    Been Had Money

    Been Had Money

    Buda is an occasional smoker, mostly when he drinks. He’s been trying to quit, been when you’re at the bar and all your buddies are smoking like a Dodge Omni, that’s a tough road to hoe.  What the man needed was some inspiration. Specifically, inspiration in the form of a tight-bodied beanhead. At the same time, his lady friend was looking for a reason to get up and do something worthwhile.

    After a brief synopsis of their respective days, Buda mentioned that he was going to the bar with the Wharf Rats that evening.

    “Well, if you go, don’t smoke.” She said.

    “What’s in it for me?” He asked, with a mischevious tone in his voice.

    “I’m sure something can be arranged…” She replied.

    “How about this?” Buda asked. “I’ll go to the bar and I won’t smoke, and you hit up that treadmill for 35 maybe 45 minutes.”

    “That sounds like a decent deal. Agreed.” She responded.

    Pause. breathe that previous statement in. He just told his girlfriend to go work out, and didn’t get slapped. In 99.9% of all cases, this sort of ballsiness will end up with her insinuating that you think she’s fat. Girls always think they’re fat, regardless of whether they actually are. And fat ones always rationalize it by squeezing their feet into the smallest shoes possible. “I’m not fat as long as I can still fit into the shoes I wore in high school…” They say to themselves, but that’s another post for another day.

    Back to the topic at hand. I have no idea how one gets the testicular fortitude to try something like this. For most guys, the best you’ll be able to do is suggest that you work out together; that somehow she’s helping you out by working out with you, when in actuality, it’s a referendum on her. Maybe he just has an exceptionally cool girlfriend. Maybe he’s just a persuasive badass whose mere vocal chord oscillations entice women to go on jogs. Nonetheless, what he’s done here is nothing short of miraculous, hence his inclusion in the Wharf Rats. Ride or Die, Bitches.

    UPDATED 12/30 NOW AVAILABLE! The Buda: Been Had Money T-shirt

    Been Had Money T-shirt shirt
    Been Had Money T-shirt by biloxxxi
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    The Woodshed Players

    2009 - 07.10

    “I’m gonna take you to the woodshed and beat your ass with a bicycle chain”
    -Steel Wench

    I’ve amassed enough of a following that it’s time to introduce my friends that keep reappearing throughout these stories. I call them all the Woodshed Players. We’re a raucous crowd, just ask the Atlanta Police Department or the bartenders at Fontaine’s. They’re about the best bunch of friends you could ask for. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, in all their faded glory, The Woodshed Players…

    The Warrenton Girls – The Warrenton girls, Anna, Leigh, and Shotgun Johnson, are from a tiny town in the middle of Nowhere, Georgia. I call it Chickenville. Seriously, this town is so small they can’t even agree on a proper spelling.

    Leigh is my oldest friend of this group. She was a friend of a friend in College and my band actually played at her 18th birthday party. Somebody somewhere has pictures of this event.

    Anna is Leigh’s younger sister. I swear I was about 12 years older than this girl when I met her, but now she’s only 3 years younger than me. Weird. She lives near me in Atlanta, so she’s there for a lot of the adventures.

    Shotgun Johnson

    Shotgun Johnson is from Warrenton like Anna and Leigh, and sometimes comes out with us. She’s probably gonna get me shot one day (which will totally be worth it) hence the name. If you’re party is smoldering, call her up. She’ll pour gas on it.

    Bill – Bill is Anna’s boyfriend. He’s a relatively new friend, but he can hang, so it’s all good. I’ve been in car wrecks with this kid, I’ve seen him knock down my roommate’s door naked, and I’ve seen him throw up four gallons of chili then wash it down with Scotch and Bud Light. Needless to say, he fits in swimmingly.

    Chris – Chris, also known as Deuce, is Leigh’s Husband. He’s been a buddy of mine since College. He used to be my roommate and was even my boss at Papa John’s for a spell. (I was the best pizza-slicer this side of the Mississippi. If slicing pizza was music, I’d be Gloria Estefan.) Believe it or not, I actually met him on September 11, 2001 at a concert. He’s a pretty high profile waiter. I think he served a President last week. It was probably Carter though, so I don’t guess that really counts.

    The Wharf Rats – The Wharf Rats are a group started by me and my buddies Roman and Wiley. Currently, the members are myself, Roman, Wiley, Andrew and Jenn. I suppose Bill is a technically a member too now, but he doesn’t yet have his colors so we can’t include him (rules, ya know).
    Roman – Roman, also known as Anchor or Drunkle Roman, is one of my oldest friends. I’ve know him since middle school. We were in the (Lost) Youth Group together at church, and we’ve seen some shit together that’ll turn you white. He’s got a knack for getting “Romanesque” and taking the situation to the next level, whether that’s appropriate or not. He’s a good friend and always manages to have a cool girlfriend around with a lot of hot friends that I can wallow around with. It’s far easier than searching for car wreck girls.
    Wiley – Wiley, also know as Grande Cridero, is one of my College buddies. He was a roommate for a while and pretty much taught me how to drink. He’s big and Irish, so most of the time he smells like whisky and rich Corinthian leather. Oh yeah, and his girlfriend is a judge. F’n awesome!
    Andrew – Andrew, also known as Pequeno Cridero, is Wiley’s younger brother. He’s known for cooking hot dogs on the corner in College and ruining Wiley’s life on a regular basis. He also likes to drink Rickapore Slings which is basically what would happen if you let Billy Mays redesign a Singapore Sling.

    Jenn – Jenn is the first girl to become a member of the Wharf Rats. She went to law school with Wiley’s girlfriend and is willing to go out almost every night of the week with us. Plus she doesn’t yell at me, which is always a plus.

    The Utility Players – These are friends who are either live out of town or who are expected to make an appearance at some point in this saga.
    Rachel – Rachel is from Boston. She went to Georgia Tech with Anna and Bill and was featured in the Shot Down in Flames story. She’s a riot and things tend to get way out of hand when she’s in town. Stay tuned for her next visit.
    Squalls – Squalls is Roman’s girlfriend. She keeps a low profile most of the time to protect her identity, but just wait till I bust out the lake stories. She’s also started a pretty kick-ass blog. Check it out when you get a chance – Squalls in the City
    Mooney – Mooney is an Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran and my current roommate. We went to high school together and he once slung me out of the back of his truck when we were doing donuts on the soccer field. Oh, and he helped us steal a trampoline one time. How in the hell did we get away with that?
    Courtney – Courtney is my voice of reason. If I think something is a bad idea, Courtney thinks of reasons why it isn’t. She’s also my chief photographer. She hasn’t made the blog yet, but she will.

    That’s about all for now, but I’ll update this list as necessary.

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