My original idea for this blog was a bit lofty, maybe even arrogant, perhaps delusional….by god it might even have been the rantings of a doomed mind. Right now I just want to write about where I am right now. If I’m gonna be self-absorbed then I may as well exercise my fingers. Really I’m scared and don’t know what else to do.
There’s a lot of really stupid obstacles in front of me at the moment. I have walked through a field I knew ended at a cliff and laid land mines everywhere knowing I had to come back the other way all along.
Another way of seeing it is that I’ve stripped myself down to almost nothing. Now is the time to rebuild, one painful engagement after another. Confrontation after confrontation. Many, many humble, humble days ahead. Here is the moment where I live or die by what God gave me.
Inertia flee from me. Hardass resolve come to me now and lift me up. I am cut to the quick and time is looking at me like a wound-up dog that has stopped bothering to growl. One false move and it will attack. True moves and true moves only. Get thee behind me Satan. Make me mindful that I am being gut checked. And when asked, “guts”? May I answer, “check”!
Bring me into focus, Lord. Let me feel you. Let me feel me. Let me feel…