Neither Here Nor There

There were two things that really made Halloween IT for me when I was little.  1)  Mama really went all out and made a BIG deal out of Halloween every year.  And 2) My imagination was just ignited by Halloween.  Ghosts, goblins, skeletons, and all kinds of monsters came out on that one night.  And all of fall was really the season of Halloween to me.  As soon as the weather started to turn, my mind turned pretty much exclusively to witches and black cats, full moons obscured by clouds, monsters, monsters, monsters.

I had nightmares almost every night when I was little.  I used to tell people it was because nothing really scared me like that during the day, so my imagination took over in my sleep.  I fell in love with horror movies early on, because for an hour and a half or two hours the monsters were REAL.  I loved all the eerie, creepy cartoons Disney showed around Halloween.  I mean, I really wasn’t interested in much else.  There was Christmas, and it was magical enough to catch my attention, but it’s not hardly dark enough.

Growing up, every year we went trick-or-treating with family and friends.  We started at Grandma’s house and moved into the neighborhood.  I only remember not doing the normal routine one year, and that was because we went with Nancy and her niece Courtney (yep, my first experience of breaking routine for a girl).  Come to think of it, every holiday centered around going to Grandma’s somehow.  And that’s because Grandma was awesome.

Halloween ’91 was the only Halloween I didn’t celebrate.

Halloween was already a pretty big deal for me, and after my mom died, I decided I would celebrate it in her memory every year.  And I celebrate it every year.  Hell, I practically celebrate it year ’round.  Yeah, the darkness of it is still pretty important to me (it’s my favorite part) but it’s one part of my mom that I can always see and always have physically present.

This year is pretty tough, though.  See, every year part of Halloween has been talking to my dad about my mother and how much I miss her.  He’d always check with me about when I was going out to the cemetery to leave something for Halloween.  (I never did the flowers thing.  I always leave some Halloween decoration for her.)  This year he’s not here.  This year, instead of calling him when I got home from Macon Memorial, I actually took DJ over to his grave on the way out.  We left a little something for him too, as a kind of joke from the three of us  (if you’ve been out there, you’ve seen it, I won’t let the cat out the bag here).

You know, I’ve really been trying to pretend for the last almost-three months that I’m doing fine, that everything’s okay and I’m just getting along.  Well, with Halloween approaching it got harder and harder to keep that up.  I wasn’t dealing with all my ghosts and demons that are haunting me this year.  I’ve really allowed my mother’s death to define who I am and to define a lot of what I do.  My whole year is centered around one day, and it always has been, but now it’s because this is the one day of the year I feel closest to my mother.  With my dad’s death now, I’m having to deal with my mother’s death, and Aunt Amy’s (that was like losing Mama all over again because they were so much alike in so many ways even though they were complete opposites in others) again.  My dad kept and hid a lot of things that belonged to my mother.  He wanted me to get them when the time was right, I guess.  He didn’t leave a whole lot of his things for me that weren’t already stashed by my mother.

I realized that it’s impossible for me to allow my life to continue to be defined by my losses.  That’s just too much weight to carry around every day.  And I’ve got too many people depending on me.  You know, my job depends on me not to let it wear me down.  (And that thought makes me giggle like a possessed Linda Blair.)  My son depends on me to be emotionally available.  So does my wife.  And lately, all this has had me completely shut off.  To everyone.

When DJ was born, I had a new reason to celebrate and go all out.  I knew then I had a real chance to celebrate in honor of my mother, by making this day as awesome for him as she did for me.

I feel like I owe them both so much, for all the things they did for me.  I feel like I have pretty big shoes to fill for my son because of the examples that they set.

You know, I said I’m dealing with my ghosts AND demons tonight.  My mom, my dad, and Aunt Amy aren’t all of my ghosts.  And there are quite a few demons, as well.  My world has ended three times.  Each time was marked by my life as it was being completely shattered and rearranged.  The first two, well, I couldn’t control that.  The third was partly my own doing.  My dad’s death would be easier to handle if it represented a fourth, but my situation now is a little too permanent to afford me that luxury.  But there is one regret I have, and it’s eating my soul daily.  My dad and I talked damn near every day.  After he got sick and some of his other issues began to surface, there would be times when we didn’t talk for a couple of days.

My work schedule can sometimes really just suck all the time I have out of the day.  On Saturday, I didn’t answer the phone or call back.  On Sunday, trying to relax and spend time with DJ, I didn’t answer or call back.  I was going to call him on Monday, when I got up and going.  Monday rolls around.  DJ’s watching TV and I’m dozing on the couch.  Mary wakes up and comes in the TV room on the phone.  For two days, I did not talk to my dad because I was too busy and had too much other shit going on.  On the day I was going to call him back, it was too late to get to talk to my dad again.  The next time I talked to him, I addressed his corpse.  And the only thing I remember saying to him was, “You know, you’re a bastard for this, but don’t worry, we’ll be alright.”

You know, when he was sick, he told me “If MaryLynn were here, I wouldn’t be this sick.”

Those two days I didn’t talk to him haunt me.  Not being able to call him when I’m on the way home from work, or when something happens, when I’m pissed about something and just need to vent, or when I’m excited about something, or when I’m proud and want to share something DJ said or did.  I called him almost every day, over almost every little thing.  Now?  I’ve lost my best friend, the only person I really feel like I could truly talk to about anything.  There are only two other people I have felt I could be that honest with in my “adult” life.  I don’t know what went wrong with one but I’ve actually had to close myself off because something went wrong there.  The other, there is a wall between us.  We still talk from time to time, and she knows me like my mother did . . . I’d say it’s more of a screen than a wall.  We can still communicate but it’s filtered.

20 years, trying to make it through this, trying to be the dad for my son that my dad was for me, trying to make Halloween awesome . . . As long as I can watch some horror movies, and as long as my son enjoys this holiday, I’m happy, despite the tears.

I do laugh tonight, though, because some people have known me for a long time and are still wrapping their heads around how important Halloween is to me.  It’s not just another holiday, a day to go out and celebrate.  It truly is a holy day for me.  It’s a day to celebrate so much of what I love in life as well as a day for me to remember my mother and to feel like I’m close to her again.  I love Halloween.

Help us fund this project:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/463912294/diablerie-horror-trading-card-game

Turn off the TV today.  They are doing nothing but lying to you.  Even the weather is sensationalized for ratings.  (Oh, did you think the news was about information?  Those days are over.  Those TV journalists are dead, or they were run out of town.)

Read.  That’s what you should do today.  Dry up the tears the TV news and the magazines have inspired, and read.  Read your holy books, read Beowulf, read the old French and English Arthurian legends, read some American History.

When a man or woman dies fighting for what they believe in or fighting to defend home and country, IT IS NOT SAD.  It has never been sad.  They are heroes and they should be CELEBRATED rather than mourned.  What is sad is when lives are lost in support of lies and deception.  When a tyrant murders his own people simply to strike fear in the hearts of those left behind.  When wars are fought to foster a false sense of nationalism so that the people think everything is alright because everyone else is all wrong.  That is sad.  Those deaths should be mourned.  That nation should be mourned.

Today, read something.  You read this, so read something else.

Summer is a house:  hardwood floors under high ceilings with ceiling fans twirling lazily in the humid air from tall open windows letting the summer breeze bring jazz, blues, reggae, bluegrass, rock n’ roll into the room, coming from nowhere but everywhere around you at the same time; a fridge full of sweet tea, pink lemonade, and ice cold Heineken; a deck out back with a hot tub on the lake and steaks, burgers, hot dogs on the grill; it’s three o’clock and you’re on your third beer as the afternoon stretches out on a deck chair, hands behind its head, wearing shorts and kicking off its sandals, sunglasses over closed eyes, taking it all in and finding that perfect place between wide awake and asleep.  This is summer.  This is the life.

Oh, boy, here we go.  Someone else is talking about the War of Northern Aggression, the War Between the States, the Civil War, blah blah blah.  Why don’t those damn rednecks get over it?  They lost!  Everything in the South comes out of how they lost the Civil War.  Everybody down there who studies it is a damn racist.  “The South will rise again!”  blah blah blah

HEY!  You know, I’m not one of those people who believe that the South will rise again or that the South should even have one the Civil War.  I do believe that there were many more issues on the table besides slavery, but I’m not delusional enough to believe slavery wasn’t a major issue.  And honestly, when I was younger, I could care less about the Civil War.  I was brainwashed by the media and by all the pseudo-intellectuals around me who were just above it all into thinking that every single person who studied the Civil War was racist and interested only in our racist heritage.  But no, dammit.  No.

Over the last few years, I’ve started to understand why people down here get interested in the Civil War, why we get interested in what the South was like aside from slavery.  It’s because every time someone who has bought into it all says something about the Civil War they make the South out to be a bunch of damn fools.  They laugh.  They ridicule.  They demonize.

And you know what?  It’s infuriating.  It’s infuriating when white Americans ran through the towns of other white Americans and murdered women and children, looted, plundered, raped women (and probably children), and they were heroes!  Hell, they weren’t even doing it to free blacks!  They were just flexing their Union muscle to show who was boss.

Sure many Southerners buy into myths about the war, but the North has its war myths, too.  Somewhere between the two, you’ll find the truth.  Just remember, when you come down here, we may in the Union today, but it’s still a whole nother country down here.  Y’all’s welcome to come on down, now.

Some people close to me have already witnessed this about me.  It’s like there are two different people inside me.  My personality has two very distinct sides to it.  There is the more conservative, quiet side.  And then there’s the wild side of me.  I think it confuses some people, but if you want to see me switch, just add alcohol.

Dr. Jekyll:

I keep to myself mostly.  This part of me wouldn’t even speak if I didn’t have to.  I’d rather sit at home or go to a movie, have a quiet dinner, listen to some music, read a book, or even take a nap than do anything else.  This is the part of me that writes, that creates, that cleans and maintains.  Some people mistake this part of me for depression, but this is truly me.

Mr. Hyde:

Oh boy.  I’m surprised this part of me hasn’t landed in jail or in a ditch somewhere, though I did end up at someone’s lake house at random.  This part of me is most easily recognized by the nudity that is symptomatic of its presence.  (And not always just my own.)  Loud, outgoing, up all night, still would rather listen to or play music than talk or listen to people talk, but more tolerant of social interaction.  Once this part starts going it only stops when I pass out.  Also, when this part comes out and stays out, my general demeanor changes.  I probably come across as happier to people (usually that’s because I’m happy to be around them, where as the Dr. Jekyll side just waits for them to leave) and I just go, go, go.

Please, if you know me and you’ve noticed this about me, don’t be confused.  If it confuses you, then you’re putting too much into it.  I’m generally a very reserved, quiet person.  I cared deeply and passionately about the things and people close to me, but I also don’t feel the need most of the time to be loud about it.  Sometimes, however, the monster in my head jumps out and goes on a little rampage — he usually calls it partying, but whatever.  Nothing to be alarmed about.  Sobriety usually puts him back in his place and allows me to go back to being good ol’ boring me.  Oh, and sorry if either of these aspects of my personality may offend you, but that’s just me.

Now, I’ve said enough for the night and I’m going to start getting ready for bed.

Disclaimer:  pay close attention to what they’re telling you because now they are giving us the warnings for what they plan on doing this fall.

Gas prices are lower here than they are in many other places, and they’re still close to $4 a gallon.  But that doesn’t seem to be stopping people.  This weekend, the first good weekend without dangerous weather looming over us, people are out paying high gas prices to head to weekend destinations, to enjoy good weather and the company of friends and family.  The American Way, hitting the road and getting away.

Watching this at the gas station today, filling up one of our cars for the week ahead, I can’t help but wonder if the news of Osama Bin Laden has anything to do with it.

That’s when it occurs to me that this could be one of the consequences of the announcement.  Get the people more confident in their safety and security.  Get them to spend more at the pump.  More importantly, get them to travel, because that’s where they will hit.  (Think about it, planes were used last time and airline security has become a nightmare.)  The threat we’ve been sold on TV is the threat to our rail systems — subways and trains.  But what if our interstates were hit?  What then?

Here’s what then.  By summertime next year, our highways will look like those in so many other nations, complete with armed guards and military checkpoints.  We will be discouraged from traveling.  We will be encouraged to work and go home.

AND WORK?!

Yeah, about that.  As our unemployment numbers rise, more and more people are being encouraged to take government assistance.  They are going to take our jobs and let us live on an allowance.  Sound good to you?  Doesn’t sound good to me.  I’m an American.

Now, these are just my reactions to the news, to what I see, and to what I hear from other people on a daily basis.  That’s why you don’t see me documenting sources.  I’m not trying to prove anything, just to say it somewhere so I can get it out of my head and off my chest.

I especially like the way he ends it.

By that I mean watch it as well as keep an eye on what’s happening.  Our liberty is in danger here.  And it’s not being threatened by the terrorists overseas or even the sympathizers in our own back yards.  No, it’s being threatened by our own government.  And it’s about to get worse.

Here’s what is going to happen this year.  Security [surveillance] is going to tighten over the summer months due to increased travel and vague threats on our mass transit systems.  They are already claiming that their have been general threats made on the rail systems in the U.S., though the security focus really seems to be New York right now (understandably so on one hand, but more like a test market on the other).

When nothing happens this summer, security will start to let up a little bit.  We can let our guard down.  Then, in September, around the ten year anniversary of 9-11 (the date our authorities have already named), something will happen.  Something very tragic, very shocking.  Something that represents a serious attack on our safety as a nation.  Something that will shake our faith in transportation, in travel, in the American ideal of hitting the road.

When that happens and we are terrified, teary eyed, and in the grips of some fundamental fear (just like the whole nation was ten years ago), their grip will get tight enough to crush us.  In that moment, they will be able to lock down on us as hard as they want to.  The real question then is will they.  Will they go all the way into the police state the conspiracy theorists fear is coming?  Or will they just take a few more steps on the way?

Well, that depends.  It depends on where the economy is, for one.  It depends on where the rest of the world stands as well.  If the economy is not in the right place, they won’t go all the way.  The goal is to use this to gain total control, tank the dollar, and set the stage for the fulfillment of the globalist agenda.

Now I sound like one of those conspiracy types, don’t I?  Well, use the math you learned back in first and second grade, watch the news, and put two and two together.  Tell me what you come up with.

I’m telling you, it’s coming.  And when it does, they’re going to hit the killswitch on the internet and on print media as well.  They’ve already got you tuned into their cable TV (every house that didn’t go satellite…oh, they’ll kill that too) so that they can pump in whatever they want you to see.  It’s going to be all pro-regime news and “reality” TV (if there’s any room for entertainment…hell, it may just all go infomercial on us).

It’s coming, and it could be here before 2011 is out.